


Before the wind blows it all away

by Alostboi101



Category: Pentagon (Korea Band)
Genre: AU Obvs, Addiction recovery, Adoption, Anxiety, Character Arc, Character Development, Cybernetics, Depression, Drug/Substance Abuse, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fist Fights, Happy Ending, Healing, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Implications of smut, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Running away from home, Slow Burn, Trauma, Trauma Recovery, a lot of problems/struggles, again blood and injury, also its all poly and gay, ambiguous ending, descriptions of injury/cybernetic, dystopain/cybernetic au, family troubles, hui and kino are problematic but get better, hui start off problematic but his character arc is fantastic and i love him, hyojong is the bad guy sorry i love him really, im gonna put the warnings in the summary for upcoming possible triggers, implications of surgery, implied self harm/eating disorders but nothing descriptive, main character jinho and shinwon, mentions of therapy and rehab, no one dies or gets hurt badly, none is real, shinwon and jinho switching pov, they get better its just all hurt comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:00:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 41
Words: 35,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27355405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alostboi101/pseuds/Alostboi101
Summary: Pentagon trying to survive in a dystopain cybernetic alternative universe.chapter update every other day
Relationships: Adachi Yuto/Jung Wooseok, Jo Jinho | Jino/Lee Hwitaek | Hui, Jo Jinho | Jino/Yan An, Jo Jinho | Jino/Yang Hongseok, Jo Jinho | Jino/Yeo Changgu | Yeo One, Kang Hyunggu | Kino/Ko Shinwon, Kang Hyunggu | Kino/Yang Hongseok, Lee Hwitaek | Hui/Yang Hongseok, Yan An/Yeo Changgu | Yeo One
Comments: 9
Kudos: 57





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> breif mentions of homophobia/protests  
> breif description of injury/blood

Jinho tugs his leather jacket closer around his shoulders.   
It’s raining and it brings a cold chill, his trainers are already soaked. Although the sun has risen, the sky remains a dull grey colour.  
He ignores the various shouts and screams, somewhere a baby cries.   
This part of the walk is his least favourite. He keeps his gaze to the ground, desperately trying not to look at the various protest signs and makeshift camps. What they are protesting for he doesn’t know. There are so many things.   
He keeps walking, the sleeves of the jacket fall past his fingers as they tremble. A reminder that it’s not actually his. Changgu insisted he kept it, having further to walk everyday.   
His stomach grumbles, he skipped breakfast again. His mind wanders back to the early morning; a moment of peace between him and the rising sun before he started the day, seeing the boy’s sleepy smiles as he woke them, Yanan clinging to his back as he made breakfast, pressing messy kisses to his neck.   
He tugs his shirt collar higher up his neck, he hoped Yanan didn’t leave any marks. He didn’t have time to check.   
Finally he reaches the building. The sheer height and size of it never ceases to amaze him. It’s graceful and stands proudly of its design, the cerulean and teal colours hiding the horrors inside. He always had an admiration for skyscrapers.   
He joins the queue into the building, ignoring the cries of the protesters on the streets. This time he knows what they want.   
The sight of the security guards at the doors comforts him, from a labour perspective he’s valuable to the company. If they try anything at least the guards will attempt to protect him.   
He scans his ID card, walks through the metal detector and opens his backpack for inspection. He needs a new one, one of the straps has almost torn off completely and the fabric is looking patchy in other places. He knows he can’t afford it.  
When he walks in everything is clean and white and pure. The air is suffocatingly dry and clean, there’s no aroma of anything it’s just sterile. Jinho scrunches his nose, he hates it.   
He makes his way to the staff locker room, ignoring any comments or looks he gets on the way. He knows they just want to provoke him.   
When he gets to his locker his heart sinks a little. There’s a post-it note stuck on it, the ink on the paper looks fresh. Hastily scribbled so he wouldn’t recognise the hand writing, everything is written digitally now anyway. It’s just a single word ‘fag’, he’s not upset, just disappointed if anything. He crumples it and throws it in the bin without another thought.   
He removes Changgu’s jacket and checks his phone. Three messages as expected: Changgu asking him to get bread on the way back, Yanan’s is just a heart and a smiley face, and Yuto thanking him for the lunch. He smiles slightly before turning it off and adjusting his outfit in the broken mirror of the bathroom. He sighs in relief as he found no visible marks on his neck from the morning, before walking into the office and starting the awful 6 hours.   
.

Jinho can’t wait to escape the building. He scoops his belongings into his bag along with the payment and shrugs on Changgu’s jacket as he walks out the locker room. The other men that just finished their shifts holler at his back. He ignores them. When he walks out he takes a deep breath. It’s still raining and he lets it hit his face like cool specks of hope washing away the sins he committed. He can smell the world in the air. The humidity from the rain, smoke from a distant bonfire, street food, sweat, dirt, piss. It’s gross but so human it makes Jinho feel alive again.   
He’s tired but he walks faster down the road, the quicker he is the less time he is alone. He buys bread on the way to Changgu’s college which is nothing special. Two decently large buildings made of cheap metal and brick, a single tree stands in the corner of the car park that none of the students can afford to use.   
He walks in, greeting the security guard at the reception. He’s barely a security guard compared to the ones at Jinho’s company. Just a man in a suit with a glare. He knows Jinho and lets him through with a smile.   
Jinho jogs up the stairs, his trainers squelch on the broken tiles but he doesn’t care. He pauses outside the library doors, not wanting to disturb the quiet. Chewing on his lip he peeks through the glass in the old, wooden door. He likes the building, it’s not modern and metallic and sterile like most buildings in the city. His heart is racing and he can’t tell if it’s from the run or that he’s spent so much time alone.   
He spots Changgu sitting at a desk near a window. He’s got his books spread out on the desk, one hand writing, the other moving through his hair as he thinks. A girl sits next near him, Jinho guesses she’s his study partner. She looks up at Jinho, a cheeky smile growing on her face as she nudges Changgu. Jinho can’t help the grin that fights its way onto his face when Changgu smiles at him. He starts to feel calmer.   
Changgu packs his stuff, waving goodbye to his partner and checking out with the librarian before walking through the doors to greet Jinho.   
“Hey-”  
Changgu cuts him off with a long kiss, his hand cradling the back of Jinho’s neck. Jinho holds his breath, letting Changgu’s presence calm his fleeting heart as he feels Changgu’s warm fingers against his cold skin. He grins as Changgu pulls away.   
“New study partner?” he asks. It’s not out of jealousy or fear that Changgu isn’t loyal to him. But he still feels the itch of both curiosity and insecurity to know.   
Changgu nods and leads him down the stairs, “Yeah, she does stage and set design so we got set a theory project.”  
“That’s nice.”  
“How was work?”  
Jinho has to fight to keep the smile on his face, he wants to be honest with Changgu, tell him what he has to face every day, be honest about what he actually does. But he knows he can’t. “I got paid,” is all he can get out with a light chuckle.   
Changgu lets it go and Jinho’s grateful. He never says much about his work so Changgu’s used to it.   
They don’t exchange many words on the way to the school. Silent company and holding hands is enough.   
They finally reach the school, although school isn't quite the right word. Its more like an education centre for students who are older but missed education due to travel or traumatic childhoods or health or other things. Jinho isn’t sure what category it fits in but they’ve started to pop up everywhere. He feels a little jealous of Changgu, he would’ve wanted to go to college but he knows he needs to work to support the others. And he wouldn’t want to take away Changgu’s choice of education either, he knows it got disrupted before he could get any proper exams or qualifications for a job. He feels too old to go back to education anyway. It’s easier for the others, Changgu’s 21, Yanan’s 20, they’re only a couple years behind but he had missed his window by 6 years.   
Distantly he hears the bell ring and students start to trickle out of several doors. Jinho leans against Changgu’s shoulder, feeling warmth burst in his chest when Changgu kisses his head.   
Within a few minutes Yanan appears. He’s walking fast towards them, a wide smile on his face although his height and bright pink hair makes him stand out already. His smile is contagious and Jinho finds himself smiling again as Yanan yells “Hyungs!” across the distance. It would be almost embarrassing if Jinho didn’t love the boy so much. He spots Yuto a way behind him, walking at his own pace. He’s always been quieter in nature. Yanan swoops down for a kiss from him before slinging his arm around Changgu and talking avidly about his day. Jinho can already tell his day was better than usual from his body language and enthusiasm. Yuto finally catches up and Jinho stands on his tiptoes to ruffle his hair. Yuto moves away, faking discomfort and protesting but Jinho can see the light smirk on his face. He laughs and grabs Yuto’s hand, grinning as he notices the slight blush on the younger’s cheek from the affection. He doesn’t pull away.   
They trudge along behind Yanan and Changgu in silence. Yuto telling Jinho soft words here and there. His shirt is open, he’s wearing a faded tshirt underneath and he smells of sweat. Jinho guesses his last class was athletics.   
Yanan quietens down when they reach the apartment block. His body language timid and wanting to be unnoticed, he stands closer to Changgu. Jinho only sighs and grips Yuto’s hand in his. It’s noisy, there are people shouting, babies crying, in the distance there’s a siren. He takes out his keys and buzz the gate, glaring at two people in hoods smoking something in the alleyway. They glare back. He opens the door to the block, greeting the caretaker as they entered and climbing the stairs in silence. Thankfully the corridors were empty this time, Jinho is used to them having occupants such as couples screaming between doors and addicts making deals.   
He takes in a deep breath as he steps into their apartment, the familiar smell taking away a large amount of stress. He locks the door as the others take off their shoes. He locks the dangerous world out. He can breath now.

.

It’s quiet and peaceful in Jinho’s flat. He’s leaning against Changgu, both chilling on the sofa in the kitchen combined living room. The other two have gone to bed due to school and regular sleep being better for mental health. Changgu has his arm around Jinho as the tv blares. Jinho isn’t watching, just staring and enjoying Changgu’s company. A sudden knock at the door makes him jump and he stares at Changgu, both thinking the same thing as fear surges through Jinho. Silently he agrees to open it, he grabs a knife from the kitchen drawer beforehand and hides it behind his back, his hands tremble. The knocking sounds again as Jinho approaches the corridor and walks towards the door. Changgu is behind him. He glances back at him briefly before opening the door slightly to see who it is. Tension rushes out of his body and he struggles to hide the knife in his waistband.  
“Uh, hello?” he asks, staring at the teenager at their doorstep. Jinho has never seen him before. He’s wearing tracksuit bottoms and a hoodie, but no shoes and Jinho notices slight bloody footprints where he stands. There are bruises on his face and he looks like he’s been crying. A large bandage sits across his face, covering his right eye.   
“Is Adachi Yuto here? He said I could come if…something happened,” his voice is quiet and low, a little hoarse and Jinho nods before glancing at Changgu. A silent message to fetch the boy in question.   
“Do you wanna come in?” Jinho asks gently, taking in the boy’s distressed state. He nods, finally gazing up at them before stepping in. Jinho leads him into the kitchen to sit down and starts making tea. He disposes of the knife. Soon a sleepy Yuto comes to the kitchen in pyjamas. His sleepiness seems to disappear soon as he sees the boy and he goes to sit down next to him.   
“Wooseok?” he reaches for the boy’s hand, “What happened?”  
Wooseok shakes his head and looks down as tears fall from his eye. Jinho glances at Changgu worriedly, placing the mug of tea in front of Wooseok. He takes it silently.   
“Yuto-” Jinho begins, trying to say Woosoek might be overwhelmed or not wanting to talk about it but Yuto cuts him off.   
“He’s a friend from school, Jung Wooseok, we do athletics class together. I said he could come here if something bad happened…” he glances tentatively at Changgu, “I hope that’s okay.”  
Changgu puts a comforting hand on Yuto’s shoulder, “No, you did the right thing.”   
“Can we help him, hyung?” he looks at Jinho this time, his eyes pleading and Jinho knows he can never deny any of them.   
“Of course,” he smiles softly and Wooseok seems to calm down after hearing this, he takes a small sip of his tea.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> implications of irresponsible alcohol/drug use  
> implications of a fight  
> mentions of drugs  
> implied slight eating problem

Shinwon glares at the pavement through the darkness, Hyunggu hanging off his shoulder. He tightens his grip on the boy, feeling him slip. He knows he’s not strong but he won’t drop Hyunggu. He had said that he didn’t have to go but Shinwon knows he can’t leave him alone. Enough happens when he is there, he dreads to think what would when he’s not.  
He pauses outside the door and buzzes for the apartment.  
Hongseok picks up and Shinwon is relieved.  
“Shinwon? Hyunggu?”  
“Yeah,” Shinwon grumbles, “He went to another party.”  
He can hear Hongseok’s disappointed sigh through the intercom. “I’ll be down in a second.”  
It goes silent and Shinwon waits. Hyunggu regains a trail of consciousness, his hands holding onto Shinwon’s shirt as he clings to him for warmth and comfort. Shinwon struggles under the weight. He scrunches his nose as the smell of alcohol and other substances reaches his nose. Under the flickering streetlight shinwon can see lipstick marks on Hyunggu’s neck. The door opens, spilling yellow light onto the dim street. Hongseok grimaces at Shinwon before scooping Hyunggu up to rest in his arms bridal style. Hyunggu is awake enough to mumble a quiet ‘hyung’ and wrap his arms around Hongseok’s neck. Shinwon follows them in, smiling at the caretaker who glares at them disapprovingly.  
When they get to the apartment Shinwon locks the door and turns to Hongseok, ready to take Hyunggu again. He’s got dried blood under his nose and on his lips. It’s stained his shirt beyond being cleaned.  
“Don’t worry, I’ll clean him up,” Hongseok reassures, still holding him.  
“Are you sure?”  
Hongseok nods, “There’s some leftovers in the fridge, try having something small at least?”  
Shinwon nods and leaves for the kitchen. He’ll try, he feels a strange emotion that someone noticed he wasn’t eating much, that someone cared. First he clears the dishes and the table, then wipes the mysterious powder off the countertop. He doesn’t know what it is and he doesn’t care. He just wants it gone.  
Finally he puts a small bowl of leftovers in the microwave.  
While it’s cooking he gets a glass of water and painkillers for Hyunggu. He tries Hongseok’s room which he shares with Hyojong but Hyojong is rarely in his room. Although this time he is. Shinwon takes a few moments to stare at the elder, who is laying on the floor, gazing at the ceiling and smiling lazily. Within a few seconds Shinwon decides he’s high as a kite and closes the door before he notices. He makes his way to his and Hyunggu’s room, finding Hyunggu clinging onto Hongseok as he lays on the bottom bunk. He’s changed and looks cleaner, the blood is gone. Shinwon gently puts the water and tablet on the bedside table. Hongseok nods gratefully at him, Hyunggu is asleep.  
“Thank you for the food hyung,” he whispers and Hongseok smiles in return.  
When he gets to the kitchen the food is almost cold. He feels frutration build in him and he bites his lip as tears threaten to spill. It’s not fair. He takes a shaky breath eats it anyway. It would be rude to Hongseok, and his cooking skills. The time when Hongseok cooks is the only time he gets a decent meal. He eats until he feels sick and throws the rest away, finishing the tea and hoping it will ease his stomach. He clears up, cleans his teeth and changes quickly. He takes a moment to glance at the window. The sun hasn’t started to rise yet. But the sky is far from dark, it’s illuminated by the light pollution of the city. Neon pinks and greens shine through the darkness, coming from ads so big they can cover the side of a whole building. He wishes he could see the stars.  
When he returns to their room, Hongseok is also asleep. He tries to climb the ladder as quietly as possible, doing his best to not shake the bunk as he gets under his covers before getting any sleep he can until he needs to wake up for school.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> vomiting  
> running away from home

Thursday

Jinho flinches as his alarm wakes him up. His arm slaps around the table, knocking a few things off it before finding the alarm clock and switching it off. He takes a deep breath, looking out the window as he is greeted by the sunrise. The sky always looks beautiful at this time but he can’t admire it today. He gets up, taking a few minutes to dress and tidy his appearance before grabbing his bag and walking to Yanan and Changgu’s room.  
Changgu is easy to wake up, after remembering last night’s events he doesn’t even complain. Just leans over the side of the top bunk to give Jinho a morning kiss.   
Yanan is more difficult. Grumbling and whining as Jinho wakes him, staring at him with sleepy eyes and his hair everywhere. He gives Yanan several kisses to make up for it and eventually Yanan agrees to get up.   
Jinho doesn’t need to go far to find Yuto and Wooseok. They’re already awake. Wooseok bent over the toilet and Yuto rubbing his back gently.   
“Is he okay?” Jinho asks quietly and Yuto grimaces.   
“His body is trying to throw up but he hasn’t eaten anything so…” he trails off, supporting Wooseok as he tries to stand.   
“I’m done,” he mutters and they slowly make their way back to the room. Yuto sits Wooseok down on the bottom bunk, finding a sweater to lend him.   
“You don’t have to worry about going to school Wooseok, Changgu can stay home and look after you until you feel better.”  
As if on cue Changgu appears in the doorway, “I brought tea, it should help with nausea.”   
Wooseok takes it, mumbling something that Jinho assumes is a thank you before curling up on Yuto’s bed.   
Jinho turns to leave, but Wooseok calls after him. He sees Changgu pause in the hallway before he walks back into Yuto’s room.   
“Can you- Please don’t tell the school where I am,” Wooseok pleads, he looks up at Jinho, voice breaking as a tear threatens to fall. Jinho sighs, feeling conflicted. His gaze drops to Wooseok’s hands, they’re shaking. He knows he should tell the school about Wooseok.   
“Do you parents know where you are?” he asks gently and Wooseok flinches at the word. Realisation fills Jinho and his heart clenches. “I won’t say.”  
“Thank you,” is all Wooseok says but there are tears rolling down his face. He makes it to the kitchen with a heavy heart.   
“Yuto’s explaining about Wooseok to Yanan,” Changgu says, focusing on making the sandwiches. His eyebrows furrow in concentration as he cuts it neatly in half. Jinho watches him, ready to drop the painful news. “What is it?” Changgu asks, taking in his expression.   
Jinho sighs heavily, “It’s a home situation,” he mumbles and Changgu’s shoulders deflate slightly.  
“How bad?”  
“He hasn’t told me much, but he asked us not to tell the school where he is.”   
Changgu nods in understanding, “So it’s something recent.”  
“I think he ran away…” Jinho trails off as he hears footsteps in the kitchen. “Just, be really careful,” he asks but the look of gentle understanding in Changgu’s eyes makes him feel more confident.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> drug abuse  
> peer pressure  
> hyojong is a dick im sorry  
> illegal activity   
> im sure pentagon havnt done anything illegal this is just fiction and an au please dont sue me

When Shinwon opens the door to the flat, he can instantly smell drugs. He doesn’t particularly care who’s using it, and he’s forgotten which one it is but he knows instantly he doesn’t want to be there. He continues anyway, school bag weighing heavily on his shoulders as Hyunggu follows him in. He stares at the floor, avoiding eye contact with any of the strangers in the living room.   
Hyunggu’s hand falls from his grip as Hyojong invites the boy to join them. He’s had a bad day, Shinwon knows he won’t refuse but he can’t help the sinking disappointment that fills his chest. If they weren’t in the flat in the first place, if they were in a safe environment, if they had better people maybe-  
His thoughts are interrupted by Hyojong standing in front of him, blocking his path to his room.   
“Come on, won’t you join us?” he asks, his voice playful and teasing. Shinwon refuses to respond, just standing there, staring. There’s a stain on Hyojong’s T-shirt.   
He tries to push past but Hyojong stops him, pushing him back. “Ignorance is rude,” Shinwon can hear the grin in his voice.   
He raises his head to glare into Hyojong’s eyes, “Leave me alone.”   
Hyojong fakes a shocked gasp, “How dare you talk to your elders like that!” he exclaims but there’s no real malice in his voice. Shinwon glances at Huitaek for help, sitting in the midst of the strangers. He just stares at the table, ignoring it. Shinwon realises he is alone.   
“Oh, leave the poor kid alone. At least we got his friend.”   
Shinwon has to hold back the urge to start a fight. There are more of them than there are of him. And he’s far from strong or a fighter. He knows he would lose. But the flare of anger refuses to die down. Anger at them being here, anger at them taking advantage of Hyunggu, anger at Hyunggu not doing anything, anger at himself for not doing more.   
Hyojong sighs melodramatically like a kid told off for having a tantrum, he moves to the side and gestures extravagantly. “You’re free to go.”  
Shinwon barges past, slamming his shoulder into Hyojong as hard as he can but it feels like no more than a push. He instantly goes to Hongseok’s room and is relieved to find him there, reading on his bed. He’s still got his work shirt on, the tie folded on the table and the top few buttons undone.   
“You okay?” Hongseok asks, looking up from his book and Shinwon huffs again. Sitting on the floor next to Hongeok’s bed rather than Hyojong’s bed opposite. He doesn’t want to think about the incident.   
“Hyunggu’s getting high again.”  
Hongseok chews his lip uncertainly, “I guessed he would when I saw them come in.”  
“There are strangers doing illegal drugs in our apartment.”  
“Yes”  
Shinwon stares at him, “Yes? Yes? Are you not going to do anything?” he can’t help but get angry with Hongseok.   
“What do you want me to do?” Hongseok puts the book down and faces Shinwon, the look tells Shinwon what he already knows. There isn’t anything he can do. “I can’t tell Hyunggu what to do. And if i tried to do anything about the strangers in our apartment I’d either get stabbed or kicked out.”   
Shinwon falls silent and rests his head on the mattress of his bed. He wills the tears not to fall, it makes him feel weak. Even though he knows it’s angry tears.   
“I know it’s difficult, they won’t be here much longer.” Hongseok reassures but it falls to deaf ears.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> injury detail  
> cybernetic detail  
> eye injury  
> cybernetic eye  
> post surgery stuff description  
> mentions of needle/injection

Friday

Jinho sighs and leans back against his bed. He glances out of the window, the sun has begun to set and it turns the sky a mellow shade of pink. There’s a moment of peace. He closes his eyes, relaxing further into the bed. It’s not particularly soft or luxurious but his body is exhausted and it feels like he’s sinking into a marshmallow.   
There’s a soft knock on his door and he takes a deep breath and opens his eyes.   
“Come in,” he mumbles, and the door opens. Jinho can already tell from the way it opens it’s Wooseok. Yanan almost flings the door open, Yuto always calls his name and Changgu doesn’t wait for a signal to come in. He smiles gently at Wooseok, waiting for him to ask for whatever he needs. Wooseok refuses to look Jinho in the eye, he holds his head down as he walks into his room awkwardly. Jinho taps the space on the bed next to him, “You can sit if you want.”  
Wooseok complies, he’s holding his backpack in one hand and Jinho can tell he’s anxious.   
“You know you’re safe here, this can be your safe space for as long as you need,” Jinho reassures. He can tell Wooseok wants something but is too anxious to ask.   
Wooseok nods and licks his lips, still refusing to look at Jinho, “Can you- can you help me?” his voice is almost a whisper but Jinho still catches it.   
He nods, “Of course, what do you need?”  
“Can you help me with my eye?”  
Jinho nods again, scooching closer to Wooseok and raising his hands slowly, as to not startle the boy. He waits for any signal of distress or discomfort before reaching for the bandage wrapped around Wooseok’s head. His fingers fiddle with it before it comes loose and he gently unwraps it as it falls.   
Jinho is glad Wooseok isn’t looking at him. He can feel his face pale, his hands start to tremble and his heart beat faster as he looks at Wooseok’s eye.   
It’s obviously cybernetic.   
It’s quite realistic, but where the pupil should be it looks almost like a camera lens. The skin around the socket is a little swollen and irritated. Two flat, sleek wires poke out of his eye socket and trail down his temple, disappearing underneath his hoodie.   
“Is it bad?” Wooseok asks, Jinho can hear the anxiety in his voice. He can feel Wooseok’s gaze on him. He pulls a tight lipped smile and shakes his head.   
“No, not at all. It doesn’t seem infected-”  
“How does it look?”  
Jinho pauses, looking into Wooseok’s real eye, keeping eye contact. “It looks- different. It’s not too noticeable.”  
Wooseok looks down at his hands, he chews his lip as silent tears fall down his cheeks. Jinho brushes them away gently.   
“There’s stuff in the bag to clean it.” he mumbles and Jinho gently takes it from him.   
“Do you want to do that now?”   
Wooseok nods and Jinho puts his hand on Wooseok’s shoulder, pushing gently to indicate for him to lay on his back. Wooseok takes the hint and falls ungracefully onto the bed, hands fiddling in his lap. Jinho searches through the bag, reading the various packets and tubes carefully until he finds a washing solution.   
“These are like eye drops, to clean it,” Jinho informs Woosoek. He’s staring at the ceiling with an unreadable expression. Jinho leans forward, stroking Wooseok’s shoulder with his thumb to comfort the boy. Gently, he squeezes a few drops of the clear liquid onto the area. The sight of it sends his mind reeling but he ignores it. He needs to do this for Wooseok. “Is that ok?” he mumbles, pulling away.   
“I didn’t feel it,” Wooseok replies numbly and Jinho stays silent. “I-I don’t know what else they did…” Wooseok trails off.   
“Do you want me to see?” Jinho offers, never forcing Wooseok just giving him the option.   
Wooseok sits up, keeping his gaze on the floor as he unzips his hoodie. The wires trail down his neck and over his shoulder. There’s another adhesive patch over his shoulder blade where the wires end. Jinho reaches out, tracing his fingers over the wires delicately. He can barely feel them. They’re flat, slightly sunk into the sink. He can just about feel the coolness of the metal against his finger tips.   
“What is it?” Wooseok asks, his voice trembling slightly and Jinho is pulled from his thoughts.   
“The wires go over your shoulder, there’s another bandage on your shoulder blade,” He pauses, “Can I remove it?”  
Wooseok nods and Jinho takes care in peeling it off. It comes off without much resistance but it’s clear what it was hiding. There’s another neat incision and outline of a small rectangle under his skin. In the middle is an unmistakable charging port. The sight of it is so familiar Jinho can’t think of anything else that it could be. He feels sick to his stomach but he can’t help himself from reaching out and tracing his fingers over it. Feeling the difference between skin and machine. He swallows. “I think it’s the power block.”  
“So like a battery pack?” He asks hesitantly.   
“Yeah-not really. You’ve got a charger bit so no batteries.”  
Silence falls over them and Jinho digs his nails into his palm.   
“I haven’t got a charger for it. There’s only the painkillers, some needles and the solution”  
Jinho searches through the bag again and finds a box. He clicks it open and his hands begin to shake. He recognises the orange liquid that fills the syringes almost instantly. His thigh begins to ache as memories flood back but he pushes them away. “Immunosuppresants.”   
Wooseok waits for him to explain so he does. “They stop your body from rejecting the cybernetic,” he pauses again, “Have you been taking them?”  
Wooeok shakes his head.   
“You should be” he doesn’t mean to be firm but he can’t help it knowing the danger.   
“What would happen if I don’t?” Wooseok asks, his eyes full of fear.  
“Your body will reject the cybernetic,” Jinho doesn’t want to go into the gory details. Not yet at least. “Do you want to take one now?”  
Wooseok nods and Jinho takes one of the syringes. He holds Wooseok’s arm gently. “You can look away if you want,” he reminds gently but Wooseok keeps his gaze on the syringe. Jinho holds his breath, keeping a gentle grip on Wooseok as he pushes the needle into his skin as gently as he can.   
“All done,” he glances at Wooseok, there’s a stray tear on his cheek and Jinho moves to brush it away.   
“I’ve been taking the pills,” he murmurs and Jinho nods.   
“That’s good.”  
“I still don’t have a charger”  
Jinho clicks the box shut after counting the syringes, there’s enough for two weeks. But he has no idea what they’ll do after that. “We’ll work on it. I promise you.”   
Wooseok seems reassured and Jinho reaches for a box under the bed for clean bandages.   
He sticks another adhesive patch over the power block. “It might be better to leave your eye uncovered so it can heal faster-”  
“Can you cover it please,” Wooseok’s voice is urgent, breaking at the end of the sentence and Jinho doesn’t hesitate, wrapping new and clean bandages around his head again. “Maybe we could get an eye shield for it? Then it would be covered but would get some air.”  
“What’s that?” Wooseok asks, but Jinho can see he’s considering it. Both of them know the bandages will get very inconvenient and difficult soon.   
“It’s like an eyepatch but it's got small holes in it.”  
Wooseok manages a small laugh, “I’ll look like a pirate.”  
The conversation dies and Jinho stares at the blanket, not sure what to say. The room is illuminated by the setting sun, deep reds and oranges flooding through the window. The colour reminds Jinho of blood.   
“Did you, uh, was it- was it your choice?” he manages, it’s a difficult question but he feels the need to know in order to help him.   
Wooseok avoids his eyes, picking at his thumb and Jinho already knows the answer. “My parents wanted me to, for the company. I was going to work there but-” he pauses, letting out a shaky sigh- “I refused. Then I woke up with the bandages. I ran and came here.”  
Jinho slowly pulled Wooseok into his arms, the hug was awkward but he could feel Wooseok sinking into the embrace. The tension leaving his muscles, his grip getting tighter on Jinho, a few shaky breaths being let out against his neck.   
“You’re so brave,” Jinho whispers, his hand moving in a comforting circle against Wooseok’s back, “And you’re safe here. You never have to go back.”  
Woosek pulls away and wipes some tears away with the back of his hand, “Never?” he sniffles.  
“Not if you don’t want to. It’s your choice.” he says, moving a lock of dark hair out of Wooseok’s face.   
He nods and sniffles again, “Thank you,” he stands up from the bed and starts to make his way to the door.   
“Do you want me to help you with the suppressants in the morning?” Jinho asks before he leaves. He hears a quiet ‘yes please,’ from the doorway before Wooseok disappears.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Jinho makes his way to the kitchen. The used bandages in a plastic bag. He can feel the memories creeping up on him, there’s a sharp pain starting in his chest and his feet feel cold. His entire body feels cold. It’s the summer. He throws the bag in the bin and then moves to the sink to wash his hands. If only he can get to his room in time. If he can look at the sun it will be ok. In time for what? He doesn’t know. But it’s getting more difficult to breath. The pain in his chest is growing and he feels sick, he can’t breath. It’s as if someone’s put balls of cotton in his lungs. He grips the side of the counter, wet fingers slipping against the surface and his heart skips a beat. He tries to take a deep breath. Why does his chest hurt so much? He gives up, deep breaths make his chest feel as if it’s on fire. He braces himself on the counter, only able to take shallow gulps as his vision begins to close in.   
Oh. He’s having a panic attack.   
He lowers himself onto the kitchen floor, scrambling thoughts trying to come together to tell himself what to do. Trying to remember what he does when the others have a panic attack. His legs feel numb, pins and needles starting in his feet as he crawls on his knees into a corner. He can’t feel his legs, his arms feel heavy. Too heavy. He feels wetness on his face, he thinks he’s crying.   
“Jinho?” he hears Changgu’s voice. It’s distant and unclear but for a moment he feels like he can breath. He tries to call out for the other. His tongue isn’t working, only harsh breaths coming out his mouth. A pained noise is all he can achieve but it’s enough. Changgu sees him, drops to his knees and pulls Jinho into his chest. He can barely hear what Changgu is saying but he scrambles into his embrace. His hands gripping onto Changgu’s shirt tightly as he buries his face into Changgu’s chest. He let Changgu’s hands move across his body, holding and comforting him as the panic attack runs it’s course. They both know it’s too late to do any breathing exercises or try to calm him. Eventually his heart slows down, his breathing gets deeper and he starts to regain the feeling in his limbs. The tears are still falling, and a hiccup forces itself past his lips occasionally. But he’s calm.   
He inhales shakily, pressing further into Changgu, he can smell his cologne. It’s familiar and calming. Changgu continues to hold him, his hand tracing random patterns into Jinho’s skin.   
“Calmer now?” he asks and Jinho nods into his neck, still clinging to Changgu. “Do you want to talk about it?” he offers and Jinho pauses. He doesn’t want to, but he knows he should.   
“Wooseok’s eye is cybernetic,” he mumbles, refusing to remove himself from Changgu’s grip. He feels Changgu tense at the news. They both weren’t expecting it.   
“How bad?” Changgu dares to ask, voice timid.   
Jinho presses impossible further against Changgu, his lips brushing against Changgu’s neck as he basks in the warmth radiating from Changgu. “He didn't have a choice, he’s got immunosuppressants and other stuff but no charger for it.”   
Changgu stays silent, adjusting his legs from under Jinho.   
“It’s clean, but obviously he’s distressed about it.”  
They fall silent, Changgu’s hand still rubbing comforting shapes into Jinho’s skin. The sun has set and the kitchen has fallen into a blue darkness. Jinho can see the hallway light spilling across the scuffed tiles.   
“There’s something else, isn't there?” Changgu prompts and Jinho sighs against him, “You don’t have to say, but I have noticed you’re more stressed.”  
“You did?” Jinho finds himself asking, his voice no more than a hoarse whisper.   
Changgu pulls away to press a soft kiss to his lips, “Of course.”   
Jinho stays quiet, resting his head on Changgu’s shoulder, his nose pressed against the skin just below Changgu’s jaw. “It’s my job,” he mumbles. He knows it’s finally time to come clean.  
“Is it your boss? Is someone bothering you-”  
“I work at a cybernetics company.”  
Changgu stays quiet but he can’t hide his body language. His muscles tense, the fingers that moved softly against Jinho’s back suddenly stop, his jaw tenses. Jinho thinks he’s disgusted.   
“But, you-”  
“I know, I know,” Jinho cuts him off. He understands Changgu’s shock, he would be shocked himself, especially knowing what he’s been through. “It’s the only job that pays enough to keep the apartment, within decent travel distance. Anything else is too far away or the working hours are too long.”  
The fingers resume their pattern, drawing shapes into Jinho’s lower back but Changgu is still tense, Jinho can hear his brain overworking.   
“”I don’t actually do any of it,” he pauses, both of them know what he means by ‘it’, “I have a receptionist job.”   
He feels Changgu relax a bit as he nods. “How long?”  
“Two years.”  
Changgu falls silent, his grip on Jinho never loosens, “So when I started college and we found Yanan.”  
Jinho nods, “You stopped working so I had to get a better paying job.”  
“I’m sorry,” Changgu mumbles and Jinho shakes his head, objecting.   
“Don’t apologise, I’m happy you went.”  
“But if I didn’t you wouldn’t be working there-”  
“I don’t care. We saved up so much for you to go, and I’m happy you’re going.”   
Changgu falls silent again. But Jinho knows he’s not happy with it. This conversation will come up again. “It’s late.”  
Jinho hums in agreement, “Stay with me tonight?”  
“Of course.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> panic attack


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fist fight

Monday

Shinwon can feel the anxiety burning in him. It’s like hot ice burning through his veins as his heart races. He puts a hand on Hyunggu’s shoulder, ignoring how much it’s shaking.   
“Don’t, it’s not worth it.” He mumbles, hoping Hyunggu will listen but he can already see the anger coursing through Hyunggu. He knows Hyunggu gets sensitive, he knows that the others know it but they use it to their advantage.   
Hyunggu pushes him away and Shinwon feels his heart sink in disappointment.   
He can’t look.   
Instead he chooses to stare at the floor of the school corridor. It’s dirty, there are ink stains and dry chewing gum on it. Along with the many shoes of people watching. It’s just another corridor fight, there’s several every week.   
The cheers of the students is deafening. A never-ending roar that almost deafens Shinwon, he can’t hear himself breathing, or his own heartbeat. The fight is over within a few seconds, he’s pushed left and right and he hates the feeling of others touching him even if it’s accidental. The crowd parts and he sees Hyunggu on the floor again, one hand holding his face.   
He crouches down, lifting him up by one arm and pushing through the crowd. His face heats up as he can feel the curious and invasive stares on him. He glares at Hyunggu’s opposition, before rushing down the corridor and out of the school.   
He takes them out of the school and down a short cut to the flat. The good student in him says he should get permission or sign out but he doubts they’ll notice or it’ll matter.   
Hyunggu walks beside him as they arrive at the gate to the block of flats. They haven't got a key but it’s Hongseok’s day off today. He watches Hyunggu climb over the bin then jump over the fence before following. He seems to be ok.   
They wait outside the door, the buzzer rings three times before it picks up.   
“Hello?” he hears Hongseok’s confused voice and Shinwon almost laughs. He really shouldn’t be surprised about this.   
“We’re back early,” Shinwon explains and the door opens without another word. He knows Hongseok is disappointed. He glances at Hyunggu briefly, his left cheek is a bright shade of red and there’s a small cut where the skin has broken. 

“What happened?” Hongseok asks when they enter the kitchen. He hands Hyunggu a pack of frozen peas to press against his cheek.   
“He started a fight,” Hyunggu mumbles but Hongsoek doesn't believe him. He pours a cup of tea and hands it to Shinwon, along with a small plate of biscuits and fruit. Shinwon thanks him.   
“I don’t know what happened, I wasn’t paying attention,” he confirms when Hongseok sends him a questioning look. He sits down opposite the two with his own mug of coffee.   
“And you couldn't walk away from the fight?”  
“Obviously not,” Shinwon murmurs, side eyeing his bruise. He earns a disapproving glance from both of them. “We made friends though!”  
“From the fight?” Hongseok asks humorously.  
“No, from last week,” Hyunggu’s voice is muffled from the bag of peas.   
“Yuto and Wooseok do athletics class with Hyunggu, Wooseok and Yanan do music opposite my class,” Shinwon states.   
“Yuto is japanese and Yanan is Chinese-”  
Shinwon cuts Hyunggu off, “We think Yanan and Yuto live together, they always arrive and leave at the same time. But we don’t know about Wooseok.”  
“Wooseok hasn’t been at school for the past few days-”  
“Since Wednesday, I hope he’s ok.”   
Hongseok can only listen until they are finished, “They sound nice.”   
“Oh they really are! Yanan and Yuto are a bit shy at first but Yanan get really excitable-”  
“And Yuto’s just a bit quieter, he’s really nice and interesting when you get to know him.”   
Hongseok sighs, he’s set them off again. He waits for them to take a break, Hyunggu too in pain to talk and Shinwon munching on the biscuits.   
“Lemme see,” he asks Hyunggu, placing his fingers under the younger’s jaw. He let Hongseok guide him and turns his head to show off the bruise. It’s gone a deep purple colour and Hyunggu winces. “You’ve had worse. It’ll take maybe a week to fade.”   
Hyunggu nods and pouts, laying his head on the table and using the peas as a cushion.   
“Where are the others?” Shinwon asks, conscious that they only got back a couple hours earlier and they would be around soon enough.   
“Hyojong’s passed out in his room, Huitaek’s gone out.”   
He nods, finishing the fruit and then clearing his plate before heading to his own room.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> light homophobia/implied bullying

Tuesday

Shinwon laughs along with the conversation but he’s not really paying attention. Yanan and Wooseok have stopped ranting about the old fashioned method their prehistoric music teacher used today so he feels he can’t contribute much. He stares blankly at the school dinner table as the noise of students eating and talking fills the room. The table is an ugly greenish blue colour that reminds him of a hospital ward. Wooseok’s been quiet the whole day. Shinwon doesn’t know what happened nor does he ask but there’s a shield over his eye, a white square with holes attached to elastic that stretches around his head. He keeps his hood up and his head down. Shinwon hopes it’s nothing bad, but Yanan said Wooseok is staying with them at the moment so at least he’s safe.   
He jolts as he feels Yuto’s hand touch his thigh. He pulls away from the conversation and offers Shinwon a soft smile and a nod, as if to say he’s just checking in on him. Shinwon returns the smile, he guesses Yuto worries that he never eats at lunch. There’s too many people, too much noise. He’ll eat later, he has snacks in his bag.   
The conversations drops and a loud voice interrupts them. Shinwon recognizes it easily and dread builds up in his stomach. Hyunggu already got hurt yesterday can’t they be left alone for a day.   
“Pink is for girls, you gay or something?”  
Shinwon feels anger surge through him. Why of all people did he have to chose Yanan today. They’ve never spoken, he has no reason to attack him.   
He watches as the smile drops from Yanan’s face, he withdraws, staring down at the table and fiddles with his hands in his lap. Shinwon kicks his foot under the table lightly to get Yanan’s attention. He offers a comforting smile, Yanan looks up at him briefly but that’s all he gives.   
“You say that as if there’s something wrong with being gay,” Hyunggu spits back and Shinwon wishes he didn’t. Although he knows he would’ve done the same. He tries to tune out and ignore what’s about to happen but Yuto stiffens beside him and Shinwon knows this will end in a fight. And then they won’t want to be friends with him and Hyunggu because they got involved and attacked because of them. Tears threaten to fall, he doesn’t want to lose them.   
Hyunggu’s chair scrapes against the floor as he stands, squaring up to the boy. Shinwon doens’t even know his name, he doesn’t care. He doesn’t want to watch. He desperately tries to block out the scene.   
He can’t ignore it when Yuto stands up. The wall of comfort and warmth Yuto gave just from his presence is ripped away and Shinwon feels cold and alone. He stares at Yuto, wanting to see his next move. Yuto never gets angry, irritated at most he doesn’t even get annoyed.   
Yuto places himself between Hyunggu and the boy, his front facing Hyunggu as he places an arm around his shoulder.   
“Don’t,” is all he says to Hyunggu but Shinwon can tell it’s calming him. His fists begin to unclench and he glances at Yuto, the calmness of Yuto’s voice killing his rage. Hyunggu glances at floor and nods, backing down.   
“Aww, got your boyfriend to control your temper,” the boy mocks and Yuto turns around, glaring into the boy’s soul with such ferocity Shinwon feels the threat from his seat. His silence is more threatening than anything he could’ve said and the boy stares back, too intimidated to look away.   
“Leave us,” again Yuto’s voice is calm but the strength in it is more effective than cursing, arguing or shouting. They both sit down and the boy moves back to his own table. Shinwon sees him throw a couple glances their way and snicker at them with his gang but the others ignore it.   
“We should go,” Wooseok says quietly and Shinwon agrees. It’s obvious neither Hyunggu nor Yanan are feeling happy in the situation.   
Yanan hurries to pack his lunch box and closes it, “I’m not hungry,” he mumbles but Shinwon knows it means ‘get me out of here’. Yuto nods and they rise in unison, heading towards the corridor. Shinwon squeezes between Woosek and Yuto to catch up with Yanan, linking his hand with his own. Yanan squeezes his hand in response.   
“What have you got now?”   
“No lessons, Yuto and I usually go home earlier today,”  
Shinwon thinks, he wants to be there for Yanan and help him. He can tell his anxiety has flared up and he wants to comfort him. “I’m in the art studio for a bit to finish something, there shouldn’t be anyone there. You can stay with me if you like.”   
Yanan squeezes his hand again and smiles, “I’d like that.”


	9. Chapter 9

Wednesday   
Jinho smiles to himself, a familiar melody coming into his head and he has the urge to hum or sing but he can’t bring himself to. It feels wrong, he hasn’t sung in years. A comfortable silence falls between him and Changgu, the others have gone into their rooms for the evening. He dries his hands on a towel and leans against the counter, watching as Changgu tidies the remaining plates. Changgu turns to face him, feeling Jinho’s gaze upon him.   
“What is it?”  
Jinho smiles, “Can I not admire my handsome boyfriend?”  
There’s a light blush along Changgu’s cheeks, as well as a slight smugness. He walks towards Jinho, resting his hands around his waist, “Of course you can.”  
Jinho slings his arms around Changgu’’s shoulders, pulling him closer until their foreheads are almost touching. He can feel Changgu’s breath against his chin. He only grins before sealing their lips. Changgu’s warm hands slip under his shirt, holding onto him and drawing shapes into his bare skin. He’s biting and nipping at Jinho’s lips in a way that sends his mind reeling and he forgets the world around him. Changgu’s hand moves to cup Jinho’s jaw as he takes hold of Jinho’s bottom lip between his teeth. He pauses to suck on it briefly and Jinho lets out a quiet moan. When he pulls away Jinho finds himself chasing after Changgu’s irresistible lips. He opens his eyes when he hears a small chuckle.   
“Meanie”, he mumbles and Changgu grins smugly. He brushes away a small smear of water on Jinho’s forehead from the washing up.   
“Now, what’s bothering you?”  
Jinho is about to protest but he knows Changgu won’t believe him. “You know the boys’ new friends?”  
“Hyunggu and Shinwon right?”  
Jinho nods, looking away from Changgu’s gaze, his arms still holding his shoulders. “They live in the same flat as Hyojong.”   
“Oh no,” Changgu mutters and Jinho nods.   
“I don’t know if they’re involved with anything he does, but it’ll be a risk if they hang out at the flat or if they are involved-”  
“No I agree, is that all the flatmates?”  
Jinho thinks for a minute “I think there’s someone else, called Hui or something but Hyojong’s the main problem.”  
Changgu nods, pressing a breif kiss to Jinho’s temple, “You’re right. They’re young and impressionable like our boys, and if they influence them-”  
“Yuto wouldn’t. I’m worried about Yanan, and Wooseok, Wooseok we don’t know very well-”  
“Yanan’s likely to get peer pressured.”   
Jinho sighs. “It’s risky.”  
“Let’s just see how things go, first sign of trouble we’ll have to sort something.”   
Changgu nods, “That’s reasonable. And they trust us to help them with things.”   
“Exactly.”   
They fall into another silence, Changgu pulls Jinho into his chest, holding him tight. The setting sun casts its golden rays in through the kitchen window and Jinho sighs into his embrace. “It’ll be ok.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions of drugs, as the object not being used

Thursday morning

Jinho yawns and sips his coffee. It’s cheap and tastes bland but it makes him feel awake. He leaves his bag near the door, next to the other bags.  
Changgu smiles at him from the kitchen counter before zipping up Yanan’s lunch box and passing it to him. Jinho places it carefully into his bag, making sure not to fold any of his books accidently.  
He slips on his trainers and unlocks the door. Already he wants to disappear back into his flat. He can smell alcohol in the air. He keeps his head down and walks down the staircase, hoping he won’t bump into anyone.  
He makes it to the postboxes and unlocks the small tray. There’s two envelopes. One presumably about bills, the other is a catalog that they don’t want.  
“Morning,” he hears an unfamiliar voice near him and hopes the person is talking to someone else but he’s the only other one downstairs. He glances up and recognises Hui from the apartment with Hyojong.  
He ignores the man. Annoyance flaring in his chest. He’s obviously drunk, that or hung over. Jinho wonders if the man even knows who he is.  
He refuses to look back at him, even though he can feel Hui’s gaze burning into his back as he jogs back up the stairs. He curses under his breath as he notices Hyojong on the way, standing in the doorway of someone’s apartment, talking lowly. He retrieves a small sachet of something from his pocket and hands it discreetly to them but Jinho notices. Hyojong winks at him and Jinho glares, his pace increasing as he rushes up two flights of stairs to his own apartment.  
He breathes a sigh of relief as he shuts the door behind him. He notices Changgu’s concerned gaze as he walks through the kitchen.  
The others are concerned with breakfast.  
He lays the letter down on the counter and takes a sip of his coffee. It’s gone cold.  
“Everything ok?” Changgu mumbles and Jinho nods into his cup.  
He feels Changgu’s warm hand against his waist. He remembers to breathe.  
“We might have to start being more sparing with food, now we’ve got Wooseok to feed as well,”  
Changgu glances over at the boy and nods, “I can skip lunches, they have free fruit at college.”  
Jinho sighs, “It’s gonna be difficult. But he needs somewhere safe.” 

Evening 

Jinho breathes a deep breath as he stands outside the door. Already he can see various scuff marks and dents. One of the numbers is hanging by one screw. He doesn’t know why he let the boys into such a dangerous environment but he knows he can’t control or stop them.  
He knocks. It opens without having to be unlocked, another danger that he notes.  
“Jinho hyung! Can I call you hyung? Is that ok?” Shinwon rambles as he opens the door for him. Jinho immediately picks up on his body language, his fleeting eye contact, his timid posture. It’s the same that he sees in Yanan.  
“It’s fine,” he mumbles with a smile but it doesn’t reach his eyes, his mind too preoccupied with recognising the overpowering smell of illegal substances that he could easily name.  
He knew Hyojong wasn’t exactly clever but he didn’t think he’d be that obvious.  
“We’re all in the main room,” Shinwon directs him and he sees Yuto, Wooseok and Hyunggu squished together on one of the sofas, invested in an old playstation game.  
Yanan sits opposite them, Shinwon’s notebook stretched across his lap. Jinho can tell he’s uncomfortable, he wouldn’t be surprised. The floor is filthy, the place stinks of drugs and the door is open for any stranger to waltz in.  
He walks over to Yanan, not missing how he grabs at Jinho’s wrist. His fingers are trembling slightly as he links them with Jinho’s.  
“It’s getting late,” he mumbles and Yanan nods.  
“I’m tired,” whether Yanan is actually tired or not doesn't matter, Jinho knows it means he wants to leave and soon. Shinwon sits down next to him, talking him through the end of the sketch book and Jinho sighs. It’s not fair that they have a bad environment.  
He walks over to the kitchen counter, checking through the boys bags’ and making sure everything’s still there.  
He notices a fine powder on the side and he doesn’t need to smell it to know what it is. He looks around for a cloth and settles for a stained but useable one to clean the counter. Before throwing away the broken beer bottle standing in the sink.  
“Sorry, I usually handle all that before they get back from school,” a deep yet calming voice startles him and he turns quickly, hands still wet to see who it was. Jinho was taken back by his good looks. “I didn’t mean to startle you, sorry,” the stranger mumbles, his body language shy and meek despite his height over Jinho and he can’t help but think that the stranger is also cute.  
“Oh, uh. It’s fine,” he stumbles to find the right words, gaze lingering too long on the stranger. His sweater is just a little too big, falling off his shoulder slightly to reveal strong muscular arms.  
“I’m Hongseok,” he introduces himself, stretching out a hand.  
Jinho dries his hands on his hoodie, “Jinho, uh, do you live here?” He wouldn’t have expected to see someone so, responsible looking? Jinho isn’t sure. But he can tell Hongseok is doing better than anyone else in the room.  
He laughs awkwardly and Jinho feels a strange giddy feeling from his smile. Its contagious. “Yeah, I do. I’m the uh, responsible one if you like.”  
JInho nods, forgetting the scene behind him.  
“And you’re-”  
“Here for the boys, Yanan, Yuto and Wooseok. We live together.”  
An awkward silence falls between them and Jinho desperately wants to say something but he doesn't know what. His face heats up as he notices Hongseok not so subtly checking him out. He’s really not much. In jeans and a hoodie, messy hair, he hasn’t had his coffee yet.  
“Here’s my, uh-” he turns to find a piece of paper and a pen and scribbles something on it, “Number. If you need anything.” he hands it to Jinho.  
“Oh, thanks-”  
“The boys seem quite close.”  
Jinho nods, tucking the paper into his pocket. Of course it was for the boys, he wasn’t sure why he thought Hongseok would be intrested in him. “Huitaek’s in his room if you wanna-”  
“Does he…”  
“He owns the flat,” Hongeok clarifies. Hui, Huitaek. From the letter box this morning. If Huitaek owns the flat then he should be more careful about how dangerous it is. Especially with Shinwon and Hyunggu.  
“I think I’m going to talk to him.”  
He treads down the corridor, still wearing his shoes. He doesn’t want to step on something and hurt himself. There’s several rooms, one at the end of the corridor has the door slightly open. Jinho tries that one first.  
He knocks, “Huitaek?”  
There’s a grumpy noise in response and Jinho takes that as a yes to enter.  
“Oh it’s you! From the post this morning. I said hello but you ignored me.” he mumbles, his words slurred and he keeps his head down. He sounds drunk.  
“Yeah,” to say Jinho is not impressed would be an understatement. He’s not here to chat, he’s worried about the boys.  
“Jaeho? Right?”  
“Jinho,” he corrects and Huitaek stands up to face him.  
He nods drunkenly, “Oh yeah, Jinho.”  
“How drunk are you?”  
Huitaek pauses to consider, “Not too drunk. I didn’t sleep last night so I’m also very tired. I’ll be sober soon.”  
“Not drunk enough to forget things?”  
“Nah.”  
Jinho nods and clenches his jaw. He feels slight adrenaline and anticipation build in his chest like ice has frozen over his rib cage. “Hongseok said you own the flat?”  
Huitaek stands up and rubs his eyes, “Uh, yeah. Yeah I do, what about it?”  
“So you’re responsible for taking care of it and making sure there are no dangerous or illegal activities?”  
Huitaek grumbles and glances at the ground, “God, don’t remind me. Are you police or something?”  
Jinho feels anger surge through him, his nails bite into the palms of his hands, “No, but there are two young and impressionable boys living here probably with some mental illness and no support. And you have both a dangerous environment here and illegal activity”  
Huitaek refuses to meet Jinho’s eyes, his hands stay in his pockets as he examines the worn out carpet. “It’s not that bad....”  
“There was cocaine on the counter, broken glass in the sink, it stinks of weed and alcohol here, its filthy and the door is just open to anyone.”  
“Thats, uh, that’s bad.”  
“Yep. And if anything happens to the boys, that’s your fault.”  
Huitaek sighs and glances at Jinho once, his gaze darts back to the floor as he catches Jinho’s stare. He scratches the back of his head. “I’ll, uh. I’m gonna do something about that.”  
Jinho nods, “Good”, he turns to leave but Huitaek gently holds his wrist.  
“Are you- Will I see you again?” he asks and his voice is so gentle Jinho almost can’t be angry at him. Huitaek gazes at him and Jinho clenches his jaw again and says in a firm voice.  
“No, you won’t. If Hyunggu and Shinwon want to hang out it’ll be at mine”  
He yanks his wrist free and rushes down the corridor.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions of injury/fight

friday

Shinwon sighs and closes his sketchbook, he runs his hands down the front cover, noticing how worn and frayed it had gotten. It’s lasted him a while. He slips his pencils carefully into his bag.   
“You didn’t have to fight, you could’ve walked away,” Hongseok murmurs from the couch near him. The tv plays in the background and Hongesok is looking at it but he’s not paying attention. His hand is busy playing with Hyunggu’s hair, who has his head layed across Hongseok’s lap.   
“Yeah I did, there was no chance I would’ve walked away,” Hyunggu’s voice is rough, almost pained. It was worse this time. The bruise on his cheek barely got time to heal. There’s a rustle as Hongseok adjuts the frozen peas on Hyunggu’s stomach and ribs. “They were saying bad things about you hyung.”   
Hongseok gazes at Hyunggu and Shinwon can’t decipher the emotions in his face. He feels as if he’s intruding on an intimate moment but he can’t leave now, and Hongseok’s never complained about his company.   
He stays silent, playing with Hyunggu’s hair and pressing a soft kiss to his forehead. “I’m not worth getting a cracked rib.”  
“Yes you are.” Hyunggu retorts, his eyes never leaving Hongeok’s face. Shinwon knows he means it.   
They fall silent and shinwon glances over his shoulder at Hyunggu. The wooden floor digs into his knees but he always prefered sitting on the floor, besides Hyunggu needs the couch more than he does. He reaches for Hyunggu’s hand, his thumb brushing over his skin gently. Hyunggu glances at him.   
“Do you need any more painkillers?” he asks softly and Hyunggu smiles and shakes his head. Shinwon returns it and goes back to sitting with his back to the couch, Hyunggu doesn’t let go of his hand. He knows that his presence is enough.   
“Right, so. About this kid,” a sudden voice interrupts the scene and Shinwon holds back the urge to glare at Hyojong. He sees how unfocused and uninterested Hongseok becomes, suddenly paying attention to the tv. Only Hyunggu gives him attention.   
“What kid?” he asks.   
“Your friend from school. Cybernetic eye, I was eavesdropping.”   
Shinwon can’t help but feel angry but he controls it, for now. He knows they need to do something about Wooseok’s situation. “I was thinking, Hui and I have a job soon. We can get what he needs.”  
Shinwon glances back at Hyunggu, the look on his face tells Shinwon he’ll say yes. Besides, they won’t get in trouble for it. He nods as Hyunggu agrees.   
Hyojong grins and rubs his hands together, “Brilliant. Just get me the details by tomorrow evening.”  
“What details-” Shinwon gives up as he sees Hyojong’s back disappear down the corridor. Irritation settles in his chest like a small flame.   
“Don’t worry about it Shinwon. I’ll sort it,” Hongseok speaks calmly, his eyes still on the tv. So he was listening. Shinwon wonders how many other things he’s heard but ignored.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> descriptions of healed cybernetic (no eye stuff)   
> mentions of nightmares  
> implications of theft

Friday evening

Jinho sighs and rubs his eyes. It’s late, he’s tired, so is Yanan but he knows Yanan doesn’t want to save his work for the weekend. He’s got therapy tomorrow and Sunday to rest.   
“Also-”  
“In addition to,” Jinho mumbles, “In addition to sounds more formal in an essay and takes up more words.”   
Yanan nods and starts to write it but pauses, “I can’t spell it.”  
Jinho sighs again and reaches for the whiteboard, scribbling the words onto it’s surface.   
It’s a few more minutes before Yanan lets out a frustrated groan and slumps his head into his arms. Jinho quietly rubs his neck and glances at the time. It’s almost 10 and Yanan hasn’t even showered yet. “It’s just,” he sighs into his sweater, “really difficult to read. It hurts my eyes and the lines move about and it gets fuzzy.”   
Jinho frowns, he will admit the manuscript isn’t exactly clearly printed and he has to squint to count the ledger lines but it’s not that difficult. “That’s weird.”   
There’s a knock at the door and Jinho’s heart beat picks up again. He wishes it would stop.   
Changgu moves past the doorway to unlock the door. Yanan sits up.   
“How many words left?”  
“Three hundred,” Yanan pouts. There’s a quiet murmer at the door before Jinho’s name is called.   
“Can you finish it with Wooseok? Then shower and get into bed?”  
Yanan nods sleepily and gathers his books in his arms. When Jinho reaches the corridor Changgu is still waiting. He recognises the man in the doorway.   
“Hongseok-”  
“Sorry, I know it’s late but it’s about Wooseok”  
Jinho glances behind him to Changgu who’s almost gone. He lingers, waiting for Jinho to confirm he’s ok to be alone. He smiles and nods reassuringly and Changgu slips into his room. “Hui and Hyojong have a job soon, and they said they can get what Wooseok needs they just need the details-”  
“Wait, hold on. How the fuck do they know about Wooseok?” Jinho cuts him off, dread filling his stomach like a dead weight.   
“Hyojong eaves dropped Hyunggu and Shinwon, he does that a lot-”  
“It’s a no, whatever they want. I’m not associating with criminals and I won’t owe them anything,” he begins to shut the door but Hongseok jams his foot to stop it.   
“Jinho, Please. Just hear me out.”   
Jinho wants to object, but silently agrees and opens the door again.   
“They’re offering, you won’t owe them anything nor be involved. I promise.”   
Jinho stays silent, considering the options, “Jinho, you know he needs it. You know there is no other way.”   
“What if it’s a trick? What if they get the wrong stuff or something that will hurt him?”  
“I can make sure it won’t”  
“How-” Jinho cuts himself off, only now noticing small, discreet hardware settled against Hongseok’s left temple and behind his ear. It’s neater, more discreet and expensive looking than Wooseok’s. Presumably a company paid cybernetic.   
“I can make sure it won’t,” he repeats and Jinho nods, trusting him. Even if he didn’t, he knows Hongseok would at least be able to tell.   
“Ok, but if anything happens to him-”  
“It won’t. I promise.”  
Jinho nods, “Text me what you need and I’ll get it to you by tomorrow morning,” he mumbles, the exhaustion returning.   
He’s about to shut the door but Hongseok stops him again, “Oh, and, I don’t know what you said to Huitaek. But it really made him think and he wants to make things right. He is genuine about this”   
Jinho nods, he’s unconvinced. “He better be.” 

Jinho sighs through the darkness, he can’t sleep in complete darkness but the city lights from the window and the hall light from under the door are enough for him. He turns again and stares through the window. It’s raining and condensation has built up against the glass. The fluorescent lights appearing as smudged colours. His thoughts fill with Wooseok again. Worrying about him, worrying about the trauma he’ll have, worrying about his future, about the favour from Hui.   
He flinches slightly as the door opens through the quiet. It’s involuntary, he’s completely calm its just instinct and habit.   
He turns to see Yanan already clambering into his bed and hiding under the covers. His cold and shaking hands slinking around Jinho’s waist. Jinho ducks his head under the covers, coming face to face with the boy. His eyes are wet and sad, there are tear tracks on his cheeks and he sniffles. He’s had another nightmare.   
“Hey,” Jinho whispers gently, a mischievous smile playing on his lips. He can just about see Yanan’s face and expresions through the darkness. But it gives them a layer of secrecy and calm. Yanan mouths a greeting in response but the sound refuses to come out. Jinho wonders if he woke Changgu up again. “Another nightmare?” he asks and Yanan nods, avoiding his gaze. Jinho presses a hand to Yanan’s cheek, brushing away dampness. “Wanna talk about it?”  
Yanan shakes his head. “I want to sleep.” He leans into Jinho’s touch, eyes fluttering closed and Jinho can tell he’s tired.   
“Ok,” he whispered before coming up from the blanket and settling back against the pillows. He holds out his arms for Yanan to settle against him but he sits on top of Jinho instead and gently kisses him. “What about sleep?” he mumbles and Yanan pouts.   
“Am I not allowed kisses?” he lays on Jinho’s chest, despite their height difference.   
Jinho wraps his arms lazily around Yanan’s figure, one hand rests to pat his hair. “Of course, but don’t get too excited.”   
Yanan giggles and yawnes into his shirt, he mumbles something incoherent and relaxes against Jinho. Soon he’s asleep.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> implications of breif homophobia  
> descriptions of medication/injections  
> implications of theft and jail

Sunday 

Jinho sighs heavily, the plastic bag of groceries tugs on his fingers as the train rocks calmly. Yanan’s head on his shoulder gets heavier and his soft breathes against Jinho’s neck are calm and regulated. He’s always tired after the sessions.   
Yuto sits on his other side. He’s restless. He bounces his knee, picks at his nails and struggles to sit still. Jinho can hear his music turned up loud despite the sound of the train. He knows Yuto won’t sleep well tonight, if at all.   
He links his fingers with Yuto’s, stroking the back of his hand with his thumb and Yuto takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself. It’s not long until they get back to the flat. Jinho knows he’s holding in a lot of emotions, he doesn’t like crying around others.   
The train pulls into a station and Jinho checks the map on his phone. Only one more stop. He shows it to Yuto, knowing the boy won’t hear him. He nods and licks his lip, there’s a smudge of chocolate ice cream left and Jinho chuckles before pointing it out.   
He glances at Yanan who seems to be asleep. His eyes are closed, long eyelashes brushing against rosy cheeks. The temperature in the train is uncomfortably hot. His hand moves to stroke Yanan’s hair softly and he gently shakes him awake. Yanan grumbles and pushes further into Jinho. He panics, they’re still in public. He sees an older woman give them a dirty look. Yanan seems to realise and quickly pulls away, he sits rigidly and stares at the ground. Jinho instantly misses his warmth.   
The walk back is the same. Quiet. They are all tired and just want to rest. Sundays are always calmer, there’s less people in the corridors of the building, to his relief. He knocks on the door to alert the others before pushing it open.   
Changgu is there almost instantly. Taking the heavy bag from his hands and pressing a firm kiss to his lips. He pauses, one shoe on, leaning against Changgu. Just breathing against him, enjoying his warmth, taking comfort in the familiar cologne.   
Yuto storms past them to his room, he hears a distant slam.   
“He’s not feeling great,” Jinho mumbles and Changgu nods. They detach and Yanan quickly leaches onto Changgu. He needs comfort.   
They make their way to the main room, their steps slow and lethargic.   
Any sense of exhaustion leaves Jinho’s body as he catches sight of Huitaek sitting at their table. “What is he doing here?”  
Changgu sighs, standing awkwardly as Yanan wraps his arms around his waist and rests his chin on Changgu’s shoulder. “He’s got the stuff for Wooseok.”  
“Ok and? Why did you let him in?” He doesn’t mean to come off as rude, but Huitaek means trouble.   
“He’s not like Hyojong, he wants to help.”   
Jinho takes a long look at Changgu, then at Huitaek. There are circles under his eyes, his hand is wrapped in a bandage but his shirt looks clean. He refuses to meet Jinho’s eye.   
“I need Hongseok to prove that it’s safe,” he decides.   
Huitaek scoffs, “He said you’d say that.” He gets up from the table, smiling faintly at Changgu before squeezing past him and Yanan. He pauses in the corridor and gazes back at Jinho, “You coming then?” 

.  
Jinho already hates it. He hates the stench, the maroon painted walls, the dirt. He hates it.   
He keeps his shoes on and ignores the smell of alcohol. At least there are no broken bottles. Huitaek is silent as he leads Jinho through the flat. He pauses at a door and knocks, “Jinho’s here.”  
It’s eerily quiet and dark, the only lights coming from outside and Hongseok’s room. He thinks about what Hongseok said, maybe Huitaek did listen.  
“Do you wanna sit?” Huitaek offers as he sits on the edge of his bed. Jinho refuses, glancing around Huitaek’s room. It’s reasonably spacious, the walls are a light grey and his bed matches with the blue carpet. Opposite the bed is a small desk covered in just stuff. The discarded makeup suggests that Huitaek sometimes tries to look put together. If it wasn’t for the mess and the situation, Jinho would’ve said the room was quiet pleasant.   
“Where’s Hyojong?”  
“Jail,” is Huitaek’s short answer. “He got caught. Hyunggu is hungover so he’s sleeping and Shinwon is just quiet.”  
Jinho nods. He can’t help but feel a bit guilty, but he doesn’t feel bad for Hyojong. He can’t.   
Huitaek picks at his nails, his body language is rigid and tense. Jinho wonders whether it’s nerves or withdrawals. There’s a knock on the door and Hongseok comes in with a small backpack. He sits next to Huitaek on the bed. “We went to the same hospital that Wooseok was in. It was all under his name so I’m sure it’s ok for him but-”   
He trails off, glancing at Hongseok expectantly who lays the contents out on the bed. Jinho recognises the pain relief instantly. He tries to ignore the charger, he doesn’t question that it’s the wrong one and looking at it makes him feel sick. His eyes linger on the open case of syringes. The vibrant orange fluid standing out against the dark blue covers. The size of the syringe, the dosage, everything looks the same but he can’t help the itch of worry. It did come from Hyojong of all people.   
“I can test the immunosuppressants,” Hongseok murmurs, it’s quiet enough in the flat to hear him clearly. Jinho wants to argue against it, he feels like he’s being overly cautious and asking too much. But at the same time he knows he can’t trust anything that comes from Hyojong. They both stare at him, waiting for an answer.   
Jinho stays silent.   
“Ok,” Huitaek decides for him and Hongseok nods, unbuttoning his shirt and sliding it off his left shoulder. Jinho almost feels bad but he needs to know it’s safe. His gaze settles on the exposed bit of Hongseok’s chest, falling over the defined muscle on his chest and arms. He looks away and tries to withhold the growing blush on his face. Huitaek is staring obviously and without shame. Taking the opportunity to admire him. Jinho feels embarrassed for him.   
The room is quiet, suffocatingly quiet and Hongseok injects himself. Huitaek is still staring. It doesn’t help.   
“It’s fine, it’s just a larger dose to mine,” Hongseok states as he puts the used syringe in a separate bag. “It’s safe.”   
Jinho nods, not quite knowing what he’s agreeing to but he wants to get out. Huitaek packs it all back into the bag. He manages to thank both of them as he takes Wooseok’s things, desperately trying not to peek at Hongseok’s muscles one final time.   
He’s out the flat in record time, bounding up the stairs and towards his home.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> implications of past illegal activities

The last rays of sun descend over the city as streaks of deep red and orange light. The colour is so warm Jinho can almost feel it on his skin as he gazes out the window. He sips at his tea and folds the top of the blanket again.  
There’s a knock at his door, but Changgu doesn't wait for a signal to come in. Jinho almost signs in relief, he loves them all but he’s exhausted. Changgu sits next to him on the bed, leaning his head against Jinho’s. His fingers drift towards Changgu’s hand, tracing patterns on his skin without much thought.  
“How are the boys?” he asks. He’s too tired to deal with anything but he wants to know, no, he needs to know. He needs to know that they’re ok and if they’re not Changgu will take care of it.  
“Yuto’s still locked in his room, I tried to give him some food but he’s not opening up, so Wooseok’s sleeping with us tonight, he used the charger-”  
“Was that okay?”  
Changgu sighs and Jinho feels his stomach drop, “Mild distress, he’s been through worse. Yanan helped a lot though.”  
They fall into a comfortable silence, Changgu’s hands fiddling with Jinho’s sweater. It’s not long before Jinho notices the shift in his body language. He’s still tense, his breaths coming out heavy and uneven. He can almost hear Changgu thinking.  
“What is it?” he asks, turning to face him. Changgu seems mildly surprised but stays silent so Jinho pushes on. “Love, what’s bothering you? I’m here.”  
Changgu takes a deep breath, his gaze meeting Jinho’s then falling again before he speaks, “I’m dropping college.”  
Jinho stares at him in shock, “What?”  
“I’m dropping colle-”  
“Why?!”, he can’t help that his voice is rising. It’s not fair, after all they did, he did for Changgu to get into college.  
“I know, I’m sorry. I know you did a lot to get me there and it’s not fair but I want to work and support you and the boys.”  
Jinho frowns, his heart beginning to race, “I can manage that.”  
“But you can’t, you said yourself we can’t afford food for everyone, your bag is about to tear in 5 places Jinho!”  
“You can’t drop college.” Jinho’s tone is final, he’s withdrawn from Changgu’s warm embrace, staring at the wall. The room has become a pale blue colour as the night begins.  
Changgu’s voice comes out small, almost a whisper. “Hyung....I already quit.”  
Jinho stares at the wall, breathing deeply and trying not to get stressed or overwhelmed. “Of course you did,” his voice comes out snarkier than he meant. “So what are you gonna do now? Work with no qualifications or experience?  
“Hyung, listen please. You can trust me with this, I can handle myself. You trusted me with the running years ago.”  
“That was different, that was illegal Changgu. You can’t fuck up,” Jinho seethes, anger flares up in his chest at the reminder of those years.  
Changgu senses his anger and reaches to hold his hands, “I know, I know. But you trusted me then and I’m asking you to trust me now. I can’t just watch you struggle to support everyone on your own. It’s my choice and I want to help.”  
Jinho signs and nods, giving into him again. “Ok. I trust you.”  
Changgu smiles and leans in to kiss him which Jinho doesn’t reject.  
“I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apologies for the short hiatus due to health issues updates will be regular now


	15. Chapter 15

Tuesday evening

Shinwon glances down at his bag, placing his water bottle back into it. He’s always hated goodbyes. He feels Hyunggu’s warm hand on his shoulder, a sign he’s ready to go.   
“Hey Shinwon, Hyunggu,” Jinho stops them in the corridor. Shinwon’s heart rate already begins to pick up, ready for Jinho to scold them or tell them off for something or say they’re never welcome again. His gaze is serious, looking directly into their gaze and Shinwon can’t avoid it. “Why don’t you stay for dinner? Changgu’s almost finished making it.”  
Shinwon’s about to make an excuse to get out of it, he feels they’ve overstayed but Hyunggu beats him.   
“We’d love to, right Shinwon?”   
Shinwon nods, knowing they’ve caught him in a trap. Hyunggu knows he doen’t eat well and Jinho must’ve noticed. There’s nothing he doesn’t notice. At least the food here will be safe. 

There’s barely room for all of them at the rounded table but somehow they all manage to fit. Shinwon can’t help but feel out of place, feel like the odd one out at the table. The situation feels so foreign to him.   
The food is amazing, he has to admit. Beef and blackbean curry, it’s almost as good as Hongseok’s cooking. The smell fills the room as the others eat and chatter. He manages more than he usually can. The cleanliness and stable environment makes him feel calmer. It’s not spotless, signs of five boys living there but it’s safe.   
Jinho doesn’t say much, sometimes he prods a question or laughs along but he mainly observes. Shinwon almost feels jealous about the loving gaze he has for the other boys.   
Almost.   
He sips at his tea, trying to ignore the gnawing hole in his chest, knowing this is something he can never have.   
That this is something he won’t have with his family.   
The meal seemed to drag out, yet it ended too quickly.   
They say their farewells and go to their room, its late.   
Shinwon helps to tidy up, it’s the least he can do in exchange for the meal. Hyunggu helps, obviously, they do everything together. It’s the only thing Shinwon won’t doubt. But he enjoys the comforting silence that falls over the room.   
Few words exchanged between Jinho and Changgu, then him asking where a plate or something goes. Changgu leaves too, not before pressing a quick kiss to Jinho’s cheek.   
Shinwon can already tell from the weighted atmosphere that there is something else Jinho wants to say, there’s a reason they were kept for dinner. He slows down his movements, taking a century to dry the plate in his hands. The walls are a calm grey colour and the lights aren’t too bright, it calms him down a bit.   
Whatever Jinho wants to address, he doesn’t want to face it.   
Jinho makes him anyway.   
“I’m not going to pry, and I don’t expect you to tell me anything. But I would be stupid to think you both aren’t struggling with something, and I know you don’t have a safe or supportive environment.”  
Shinwon takes a deep breath, his heart beats almost as loud as Jinho’s voice. He sets the final plate down on the tray with a soft click.   
“That’s why I’m offering this place as a safe space, if you need to talk, get advice, just spend time or even stay here for a bit. You’re more than welcome. If you get into any trouble we’ll be here”   
Shinwon almost drops the towel to look at him, he almost can’t believe the words but Jinho’s expression tells him he’s genuine. He looks at both of them with the same caring gaze.   
“Thank you Hyung,” Hyunggu is quick to voice his thoughts, falling forward to embrace Jinho and Shinwon knows he’s next. He’s not sure he can form words. When Hyunggu pulls away, Jinho’s looking at him expectantly, but it's also welcoming. Any initial insecurities or worries about it flee his mind and he welcomes the embrace. The warmth of the hug only makes him more choked up, tears pricking at his eyes. He mumbles a thank you into Jinho’s shoulder and pulls away before he starts crying. He knows if he starts he’ll never stop.   
They exit the apartment, walking up the stairs with heavy shoulders and in silence.   
Hyunggu’s hand intertwined with his is the only sign he needs.   
A sign that Hyunggu’s in this with him, a promise to make it and use the safety net they’ve been given.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> descriptions of planned assult/threat/injury (it doesnt happen)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the lack of update i was sick but Im back now

Thursday

Jinho isn’t sure what to expect when he receives the message from Hongseok, asking if he can come over.  
It’s unexpected, out of the blue and there are hints of urgency in his words. He doesn’t decline, of course he doesn’t, he never would.   
He sighs and puts his bag down, the flat is noisy. Filled with the sounds of four boys settling down from the day. He takes his shirt off and slips a sweater on before walking back to the kitchen.   
Hongseok didn’t say when but Jinho assumes any time now. He can’t shake the feeling that something’s wrong. He sighs and tugs at his sleeves, only now noticing the sweater belongs to Changgu.   
“Hyung, do you want any tea?” he hears Yuto’s voice from the kitchen. It brings him out of his thoughts for a moment, he nods walking towards the boy. “Are you okay?” he asks again, his voice always soft and gentle.   
“Yeah, just a bit stressed,” Jinho sighs as Yuto pours the water into five mugs. He sets the kettle down and glances at him, concern written on his features before he gently pulls Jinho into his embrace.   
Jinho doesn’t resist, he never does.   
He finds it funny how the top of his head barely reaches Yuto’s neck and has to hold back laughter. He takes a moment to breathe before Yuto lets him go. Exchanging no words, focusing on the tea.  
But it’s ok, Jinho thinks. They don’t need to say anything.   
There’s a knock on the door, “Hongseok needs to talk to me,” he mumbles before walking towards the door and opening it, the anxiousness starting to build back up. “Hey,” he breaths as he sees the man. Hongseok nods and steps in, he’s got his backpack slung over his shoulder. Jinho doesn’t bother with small talk, he can tell by his body language he isn’t okay.   
“Yuto, can you tell Changgu if he asks?” Jinho pops his head into the kitchen, grabbing the cup of tea. Yuto nods and Jinho leads Hongseok to his room.   
Hongseok sits on the edge of his bed, setting his bag on the floor.   
“Are you ok?” Jinho asks, he knows he isn’t but its an invitation for him to confide. Hongseok looks away, he tugs at his sweater sleeve, plays with his watch strap.   
“I heard Hyojong’s friends, and Hui. I overheard them saying - talking about-” he pauses to take a deep breath.   
His eyes tear up and Jinho sets his mug down and moves to sit beside him. A hand rests on Hongseok’s shoulder, gently rubbing it in comfort. “They talked about taking my implant and selling it.”  
Jinho feels sick at the thought, he can’t help but glance at the device embedded in the side of Hongseok’s head. “What do you mean taking?”  
“Cutting it out,” Hongseok’s voice is just above a whisper, he sniffles and a tear runs down his cheek. It’s clear he’s distressed.   
“Was it discussing or a threat?”  
Hongseok shook his head, staring at the floor, “They only talked about it, Huitaek was against it. And if something happens to it the company provides health care and insurance for it”   
They fall into a silence, Jinho still rubbing his back as he cries quietly.   
“You can stay here if you need-”  
“No, I’ll go back for Hynggu and Shinwon. I don’t think there’s a real risk of it since Huitaek was against it, it’s just upsetting.”  
“That’s ok, but if you need us we’re here.”   
Hongseok nods, sniffling again but the tears have stopped. He takes a deep sigh and moves to hug Jinho, he practically envelopes him due to the size difference but Jinho doesn’t care. “Thank you,” he mumbles into Jinho’s hair. “If you need anything as well, just ask,” he presses a kiss to Jinho’s forehead before grabbing his bag and leaving without a word.   
The gesture sends Jinho’s mind into a wave of mixed emotions and thoughts. He pushes them away, there’s more important things to think about.   
He sighs and glances in the mirror, trying to ignore the growing blush on his cheeks. It meant nothing, it was just a nice gesture.   
He bumps into Changgu in the corridor.   
“Did Hongseok just leave?”   
Jinho nods, his knuckles brushing against Changgu’s hand before they link, “I’m gonna tuck the boys into bed, how’s Yanan?”   
“Worn out, but happy. His anxiety seems to be getting better. Yuto and Wooseok just finished showering I think.”  
Jinho nods, “That’s good, sleep with me tonight?” He asks and Changgu smiles. It’s been a while since they had any private time together, even just to keep each other company.   
“Ok,” he mumbles before walking off toward the kitchen.   
Jinho rubs his eyes, fatigue catching up as he walks into Yanan and Changgu’s room. He’s laying in his chest, watching something on his phone.   
“Hey Hyung,” He mumbles sleepily. He puts his phone down to yawn.   
Jinho chuckles, “Tired?”   
Yanan nods in response. He leans down from the top bunk, pouting his lips obviously for a kiss. Jinho doesn’t deny him, and reaches to stroke his hair. “Your roots are starting to grow in,” he mumbles.   
“It doesn’t look bad right?”  
“No, you look gorgeous as ever.”   
He giggles and kisses Jinho’s cheek, “What colour should I do next?”  
Jinho thinks for a moment, “How about your natural colour? We haven't seen that for a while, I don’t think Yuto has ever seen it”   
“But my natural colour is boring! It’s the same as all of yours,” he whines in response  
“Sweetheart you’re never boring. Plus you need to give your hair a rest, you’ll have straw instead soon!”   
“I will not!”  
“Sleep on it, decide in your dreams.”   
Yanan nods and adjusts his blanket, Jinho is about to turn off the light before Yanan stops him again, “One last kiss?”  
Jinho sighs playfully before making his way through the dark room, “Last one, you’ll get plenty in the morning.”   
Yanan agrees and after getting his last kiss settles into his bed.   
Jinho hears a final, “Night Hyung,” as he closes the door.   
He loves his boyfriends but both of them are so clingy.   
At least Yuto and Wooseok will be easier.   
He knocks at their door, opening it after hearing a muffled ‘yeah’.   
Wooseok is sat on the lower bunk, an anime playing on the ipad in his hands. Yuto stands behind him, drying Wooseok’s wet hair with a towel and watching over his shoulder. He’s shirtless which surprises Jinho but he’s not about to mention it. He knows Yuto is easily self conscious of his scars and marks.   
He thinks back to Changgu’s words, “So did you shower together?” he asks playfully.   
“I help Wooseok with his eye, he helps me with…” Yuto doesn’t finish the sentence, Jinho already knows the answer. He wiggles his eyebrows mischievously but he can tell there’s nothing else going on. “It’s an agreement we came up with.”   
Jinho nods in approval, “Good plan,” he’s happy they worked something out, “It’ll save on water bills as well.”   
Wooseok snorts at that and Jinho feels a little swell of pride, he hasn’t seen many smiles from the boy for obvious reasons.   
“I just thought I’d check on you both before bed.”   
Yuto pauses with the towel and glances at Jinho, his smile is tired but content. “We’re good Hyung, honestly.”   
“Ok then, don’t stay up too late.” he says before closing the door.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lots of angst  
> injury/blood  
> mentions of unsafe environment/illegal acitivity/injury but its breif  
> panic attack/dissociation

Friday 

Jinho yawns as he jogs down the stairs, morning sleepiness still residing as his trainers squeak against the stairs. He waves at the caretaker before walking towards the wall of post boxes. He fumbles for the key in his pocket and begins to unlock the box to their flat. There’s a shuffle and a sniff behind him.   
“Hey Jinho.”  
He already recognizes the voice, dread rising in his throat and he stares ahead into the postbox.   
“How are you this morning?” Huitaek continues and Jinho continues to ignore him, grabbing the letters in the box. He flicks through them briefly, one for Yuto from his adopted family, Jinho knows the hand writing. “I-”  
“Piss off,” he snaps at Huitaek, clutching the letters in his hand as he slams the box shut. The cheap metal shudders. He doesn’t want to deal with Huitaek’s bullshit, especially with what Hongseok told him.  
“I was going to ask about Wooseok…” his eyes are wide, surprise written on his face. His hair is a mess and his hoodie hangs off his shoulders. He looks vulnerable and Jinho almost feels guilty.   
He tenses his jaw, repressing the emotions that flare up in his chest, “He’s fine.”  
“Oh,” Huitaek glances away, he fumbles with his keys, “That’s good, I’m glad.” Jinho watches as guilt pools in his stomach. “I’ll, uh, go now then. Goodbye.”   
He avoids Jinho’s gaze, rushing past him and up the stairs. Its okay, Jinho thinks. There’s no reason for him to talk to Huitaek, no reason to feel guilty, he’s involved with bad things and bad people.   
He pushes it away and returns to the flat. 

The feeling doesn’t go away and Jinho finds himself rethinking it that very evening. The others started the usual friday movie night. He leans against the counter, breathing in the scent of hot chocolate as he thinks over the events. Was he too harsh? Was it rude? He didn’t mean to be spiteful he just wants to avoid all contact and make that clear.   
A sudden knock at the door making him jump. He flinches as the hot drink spills onto his hand, not enough to burn thankfully. He sighs, the usual anxiety building up as he sets the cup down and walks towards the door. The knocking sounds again and he grumbles under his breath. Who would want him at this hour?   
His question is answered and his stomach drops.   
Hyunggu and Shinwon stand at the doorstep, Hyunggu’s holding his right arm and the sleeve of his school shirt is stained red. His eyes are dull and cold and Jinho knows he’s completely out of it despite the tears running down his face.   
“I-I didn’t know where else to go, and you said- from last time-” Shinwon is rambling, almost in hysterics as he pushes Hyunggu into the flat by his shoulders.   
Jinho nods, gently touching Shinwon’s arm as he calls for Changgu. “What about Hongseok?”  
“No-no he’s out, and our flat is too dangerous. I just left to-to clear up the broken glass I-”  
“It’s ok Shinwon, just breathe. You’re safe”   
Shinwon nods and tries to breathe but Jinho can see he’s seconds away from a breakdown.   
Changgu rushes in, cursing under his breath at the sight, “Hyunggu can I touch you?” he asks gently but gets no response. He glances at Jinho before gently reaching to touch the boy. He flinches slightly but otherwise dosen’t react. “We’re going to the kitchen so we can clean you up okay?”   
Jinho knows Changgu’s words won’t get to him but it’s just in case, to prevent further distress, to keep him aware if he comes back.   
Shinwon is tugging at his sleeve, his breath rapid and his eyes wide. It takes seconds for Jinho to realise before he’s pulling Shinwon into his own room.   
As soon as the door shuts he lets out a choked sob. He’s falling into Jinho’s arms, sobs and cries forcing themselves past his lips quicker than he can breath and he’s gasping and choking for air all while trembling in Jinho’s embrace.   
Jinho lowers him to the ground, knowing his legs will be next to go. The warm darkness of the room envelopes them as Shinwon cries into his shoulder. The sounds coming from him echo pure fear and loneliness and Jinho can only sit there and kiss his tears away and rub the skin that covers his skinny frame as anger boils inside him.   
Because he knows exactly why they’ve gotten to this point.   
He knows why it’s gotten this bad.   
They stay like that until Shinwo is calm, still clinging to Jinho. He doesn’t comment on how the boy is still shaking, or how worryingly thin he is, or about what has happened.   
“Do you want to see Hyunggu now?” he whispers through the darkness.   
There’s a few seconds of silence, a sniffle, and then a nod.   
Jinho lifts him off his lap, standing up and supporting his waist as he struggles.   
His legs are shaky.  
They walk to the kitchen to find it empty, “They must be watching the movie,” Jinho mumbles, never taking his hand off Shinwon. His suspicion is right when they push open the door to Yuto and Wooseok’s room, the biggest one.   
The boys are spread out on a mess of cushions, blankets and limbs. Hyunggu’s wearing one of Changgu’s sweaters and he looks up at them as Shinwon enters. Almost instantly Shinwon’s by his side, tugging Hyunggu into his lap as he curls into Shinwon’s body.   
Finally, Jinho watches the tension in Shinwon’s shoulders leave.   
Jinho sighs, but the anger is still boiling inside him.   
Changgu appears at his side, hands falling on his waist as Jinho stares at the tv. He recognises the animation style, one of those antique disney movies. He thinks it’s Mulan.   
“Hyunggu’s cleaned up, he wouldn’t tell me how it happened but I think Shinwon knows,” he tells Jinho, hot breath against his neck and Jinho just wants to sink into his embrace and forget everything. But he has something to do. “Will you join us?”   
Jinho shakes his head, “Shinwon and Hyunggu can take my room if they’re staying tonight, I’ll join you or Yanan. I have something to sort out now.”  
Changgu holds his gaze, not finding the words and Jinho knows it’s out of character for him but he doesn’t know how to explain it breifly to him.   
Changgu’s eyes are filled with both worry and curiosity, before he nods and kisses Jinho’s forehead.   
A sign of trust.   
He’ll tell Changgu after it’s done. “Be careful.” 

Jinho isn’t sure what he’s going to say.   
He hasn’t planned any of it. But recent events have built up enough rage that he has to do something about it.   
He pauses at the door, staring at the scuff marks and stains before he knocks, loudly, enough that his knuckles sting afterwards but he’s too angry to care.   
It fills his entire body like hot electricity and makes his chest and throat burn.   
He tries the handle, surprisingly it’s locked. Then he remembers that Shinwon said Hongseok was out. He must’ve locked it.   
He knocks again, he needs to do this and now, he doesn’t care if Hyojong is in there.   
He’ll have a go at him too.   
The key rattles in the lock and the door swings open. Jinho doesn’t wait and pushes past into the flat. He can smell alcohol almost instantly.   
“Jinho, what the fuck?” a sleepy Huitaek asks, his hair is messy and his shirt is creased.   
“Is Hyojong here?” Jinho demands, he doesn’t care, he just needs to know.   
Huitaek closes the door and rubs his eyes, “No, he comes back tomorrow. Why are you here?”   
Jinho ignores his question, “Do you know where Hyunggu and Shinwon are?”   
Huitaek stares at him, Jinho’s tone forcing him to wake up, “Are the- are they not in their rooms?”   
“No, an hour ago Shinwon turned up to my doorstep, panicking with a bleeding Hyunggu. My door step!”  
“I-”  
“Do you know why that’s so important, Huitaek?” Jinho pauses, glaring into his soul, “Because even in the worst case scenario when Hyunggu was literally bleeding, they can’t trust you. It’s too dangerous here.”   
Huitaek avoids his gaze, shame rising but Jinho isn’t finished. “Do you know what you agree to when you take someone in?” Huitaek shakes his head, “You agree to giving them a safe environment, helping them out, giving them a home until they can move on if they want. Fuck! I would know, three of my boys are in that situation!”   
Jinho is almost panting, he can feel his voice about to break but the anger just keeps raging through him. His nails bite into his palms. “I wouldn’t be surprised if this place is worse than what they came from. How are they meant to feel safe when there are strangers doing illegal drugs here? Huh? They’re young, they’re damaged, they’re afraid. Do you realise what risk you put them at?!”  
“They’re adults...” Huitaek murmurs.   
“Barely,” Jinho spits, “Barely adults that don’t know better when getting peer pressured, or when there’s broken glass laying about!”   
He takes a breath, glancing at the man in front of him, despite the height difference Huitaek seems to have shrunken into himself under Jinho’s scolding. Jinho can’t find himself to care. “Don’t even get me started about Hongseok.”   
“You know?”  
Jinho scoffs, “Of course I fucking know, he came to my flat terrified your friends were gonna assault him while he sleeps!”   
A sniffle catches his attention and he finally notices Huitaek’s wet eyes, the tears rolling down his cheeks as he takes every word Jinho throws at him. Jinho decides he’s done enough. “Hyunggu and Shinwon will stay with me until they’re better.”  
“Is Hyunggu okay?”  
Jinho stares at him, Huitaek’s eyes are wide, full of fear and concern. “No. He’s absolutely fucking terrible, but at least he’s somewhere safe.”   
Huitaek flinches and looks away, “Will he be okay?” his voice is barely a whisper, wet with tears.   
“His injury has been taken care of and they’ll stay with me until they want to come back, if they want to.”   
Jinho is about to leave when Huitaek speaks again. “Hyung please, what- what do I do to fix this?”   
He pauses, thinking about what he could say. There are too many things that need to change, he’d be here for hours. “Clean yourself up. You stink of alcohol, it’s disgusting.” 

As soon as he leaves there’s a huge weight lifted off his shoulders.   
Briefly he considers if he was too harsh. But then he remembers Hyunggu, Hongseok, and Shinwon. The state Huitaek is in himself.   
He hopes it’s finally clicked and he’ll make changes. Jinho doesn't regret it.   
The flat is quiet when he enters it, he guesses the film has ended. He yawns and checks his watch, it’s gone past midnight so he pushes open the door to his room gently to see Hyunggu sprawled across Shinwon’s chest. Both asleep on his bed. There’s a bandage wrapped snuggly around Hyunggu’s arm but otherwise they seem peaceful.   
He opens his phone and texts Hongseok just briefly to explain the situation before slipping into Changgu’s room.   
The exhaustion has finally hit him, all the rage and anger has fled his body as he slips under the covers to join Changgu.   
“Did you sort it?” he mumbles and Jinho nods, kissing him briefly and slinging his arms around Changgu’s waist. He’s shirtless and Jinho presses himself into his warmth, already fatigue envelops his body and mind.   
“I’ll tell you about it tomorrow,” he sighs and Changgu nods.   
“I love you,” is the last thing Jinho hears before he falls asleep.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions of rehab/toxic relationships

Monday

Shinwon sighs and trudges down the stairs. He’s skipping school today, so is Hyunggu. He still doesn’t feel okay enough to go.   
He shoves his hands in his pockets to hide that they’re shaking, the hoodie isn’t his and falls down to the top of his thighs.   
He thinks it’s Yuto’s, he can’t quite remember.   
He stops in front of the door, it’s slightly open and it looks brighter than usual. His heart rate picks up slightly, worried about what he’ll see when he enters.   
“Oh, hey Shinwon. How are you feeling? Jinho told me what happened,” Hongseok says as he greets him. The main room is empty, all furniture removed except for the old playstation and a large plastic sheet lays against the carpet, on top of it is a variety of building tools and materials.   
“We’re okay...what’s going on?”   
Hongseok sighs and rolls up his sleeves, he seems tired but positive. “My boss gave me a week off due to home related stress, Hui agreed to let me take care of the apartment while he’s gone-”  
“While he’s gone?” Shinwon asks, but his question is soon cut off by Huitaek.   
“Shinwonnie! Are you okay?”  
Shinwon glances at the man, he’s clean and dressed in clean clothes. He smells good for once and he’s got a heavy backpack on his back.   
“Hyung, where are you going?”  
“I’m going to rehab,” the smile drops from his face and his voice becomes serious, “Jinho told me some things that made me realise some things and I’m going to get better. I’m leaving for a week to see how it goes.”   
To say Shinwon is shocked is an understatement. He’s not sure what to say. “That’s, that’s uh. That’s really good.”  
“Yeah?”  
“Yeah, that’s great,” Shinwon reinforces once he hears the slight insecurity in his voice. “What about Hyojong?” He wants to return to the flat but he knows it will be impossible without Huitaek if Hyojong is still here.   
“I kicked him out. Our relationship fell apart years ago and I let him keep hurting me and you both, I’m sorry I let that happen, truly. When I’m back you’re more than welcome to stay here but if you don’t want to I understand.”   
Shinwon can only stare at him, the information is too much, it’s overwhelming and he’s under pressure to answer him before he leaves. “I-”  
“You don’t have to answer now, think it over. I know I’ve made it difficult and I’m really sorry for that. I hope Hyunggu is okay.”  
He glances at his watch and then at Hongseok, “Hyuna said she’d drop by for some of Hyojong’s stuff. I’m going to miss my bus soon.”  
Hongseok nods, “Okay, good luck!”   
“Goodbye Shinwon.”   
He manages a rushed ‘Good luck,’ before Huitaek runs down the stairs. His mind is still reeling from the information.   
He turns back to the empty flat, Hongseok ruffling through the tools being the only sound to fill the space. He breathes deeply and walks to his room.   
He finds an empty box and scoops both his and Hyunggu’s school work into it before dumping some clean clothes on top of it too. Neither of them have many possessions but he picks up a couple books from the shelf for Hyunggu and the pills and other things left behind on the bedside table.   
“Are you staying with Jinho at the moment?” Hongseok asks him when he walks back through the room.   
“For now, if you’re working on some things we can stay until you’re done.”   
Hongseok nods, “I’ll keep you updated.”  
“What will you do?”  
Hongseok glances around the room, “I’m completely renovating this room and the kitchen bit. There’s a lot of damage and the wallpaper’s been ruined. I think I’ll take up the carpet too. After that I thought I’d redo Huitaek’s room to help rid of bad memories and throw out things he’d struggle doing himself.”  
“That’s really kind Hongseok.”  
He nods and smiles, “Of course I checked with him first, I thought I’d really help with his recovery and adapting to Hyojong being gone.”  
Shinwon wants to ask what happened between them, no one ever told him when he arrived and by that time what they had was destroyed. Despite his curiosity he knows it’s the wrong time and Hongseok is the wrong person to ask. “I’m okay for you to do the other rooms too if you want.”   
Hongseok nods, “I’m not sure how much I’ll get done in a week. But if you want to help with anything you’re always welcome, just come along. Hyunggu too, and any of the other boys.”  
Shinwon considers it, it sounds fun and he always loved painting, “I’ll tell them-”  
“How is Hyunggu, by the way?”   
He should’ve expected this question, he’s surprised he didn’t ask before but he knows Hongseok trusts Jinho. “He’s still not great mentally, I’d say he needs a few more days.”  
“Does he want to see me?”  
Truthfully, Shinwon knows Hyunggu has been too out of it to even think of Hongseok, “I haven't asked him but I will,” he tells him instead. He nods awkwardly and glances at the wall Hongseok is starting at, “Good luck with that, we’ll come and help at some point.”


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> talks of anxiety/depression

Tuesday 

Shinwon sighs and stands awkwardly in the doorway. He can hear the others unpacking their lunches from school. Hyunggu is still off. Shinwon almost feels guilty, he was meant to go in today but his anxiety flared up in the morning.   
“Shinwon, are you okay?” Jinho speaks as he finally notices him in the doorway. His hand dips into his trouser pocket and throws a handful of things onto his bedside table. Keys, some loose change, a memory stick, a plain metallic ring.   
“You spoke to Huitaek.” He means it as a question but it comes out more as a statement.   
Jinho glances at him and nods, “Yes, I did”  
“He, uh-” Shinwon is at a loss for words, he feels almost guilty telling Jinho. “He kicked Hyojong out. He’s gone to rehab for the week. Hongseok is renovating his apartment,” the information tumbles out his mouth without a thought and he leans against the wall awkwardly, fiddling with his sweater paws.   
Jinho looks speechless, Shinwon isn’t sure what he said to Huitaek but he understands the sudden change. “That’s, um, wow.”  
“Hongseok Hyung wanted to know if the others would want to help, I know you don’t.”   
Jinho walks across the room, unbuttoning his shirt and revealing a T-shirt underneath. It’s starting to get cold. He throws a sweater on and it’s baggy enough that Shinwon suspects it’s Changgu’s. “That’s nice.”   
A heavy, empty, unsatisfied feeling fills Shinwon’s chest and makes him want to pick at his nails.   
He sighs, he’s told Jinho everything he wanted. He doesn’t understand.  
“Do you think you or Hyunggu will go to school tomorrow?” Jinho asks, his voice gentle enough that the words don’t feel as heavy as their meaning.   
Shinwon shrugs, deep down he knows he doesn’t want to. “How’s your anxiety?”   
“It’s been a bit better today, I think I’ll take Hyunggu and help Hongseok tomorrow.”   
“Okay, but make sure you don’t miss too much school.”   
“I’m doing the work here-”  
“And Hyunggu?”  
Shinwon knows he hasn’t done any work, he doesn’t even do the homework.   
“I thought so-”  
“Whether he’s at school or here he’s still gonna be depressed,” Shinwon cuts him off.   
This time Jinho sighs, the heaviness of the situation weighing on his shoulders. Shinwon knows by his tone he was teasing but it carries some truth.   
Their silence is interrupted by a loud cry from the kitchen, although it’s a cry of victory. Shinwon can’t help but follow Jinho with curiosity.   
“I got the job!” he hears Changgu yell as they near the kitchen. He’s holding an open letter in his hand as Wooseok and Yanan peer curiously over his shoulder.   
“What is it?” Jinho is less enthusiastic as the others but Shinwon can see the happiness radiating from his eyes as he gazes at Changgu.   
“Part time job at that corner shop down the street.”  
It’s not much but it’s something.   
Shinwon congratulates Changgu as he passes through the corridor, his eyes are full of joy and confidence, his thank you is warm. It feels familiar.   
Shinwon finally feels as if he’s fitting in somewhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the drought i was away for a week  
> hope everyone had a good christmas


	20. Chapter 20

wednesday 

“Shinwon said he was gonna take Hyunggu to help out at the flat,” Changgu reminds him as Jinho stands in the empty apartment. The corridor is taken up by the three others squabbling and removing their winter dress. The wind has been getting harsher, biting at any exposed skin. He turns the kettle on without a second thought.   
“Hyung, can we go and help at the flat?” Yanan asks, wrapping his arms around Jinho’s waist. His fingers slip under his shirt and Jinho shivers at the feeling of his cold fingers against his stomach.   
“Yeah, sure. I’ll bring your drinks.”  
Yanan doesn’t respond, only presses a quick kiss to his cheek before grabbing Wooseok’s wrist and dragging him away.   
Jinho glances at the kettle, then the cups, before thinking of an idea. 

Thankfully the door to the flat is open. The carpet is covered in plastic sheets and he can hear a radio playing some random station. He sets the box on the kitchen table, gently taking out the several mugs of hot chocolate. He announces, “I brought drinks!” as several of the youngers crowd around him. There’s a chorus of ‘thank you’ as the cups are grabbed. He glances around the room, already he can see changes. The ceiling has been repaired and replastered, the loud, blaring burgundy walls had been repainted a calm sea tint blue and Shinwon sat on the floor with a paintbrush, smoothing out the edges around the door frame. The kitchen floor had been replaced with a dark lino floor and he could see where Wooseok had started to chip away at the old tiles.   
“What do you think?” Hongseok asks as Jinho sips at his hot chocolate.   
He takes a moment to find the words, “It’s impressive, it looks great!”  
“Do you think Huitaek will like it?”   
Jinho takes another sip, enjoying the calming atmosphere of the room, “Definitely! There’s another cup of hot chocolate if you want.”  
“Oh, thanks.” Hongseok takes the cup and Jinho stares into his drink, hating how awkward it felt. He didn’t know what else to say. “Oh, uh, also thank you for helping Hyunggu, I know I wasn’t available at the time and you didn’t have to-”  
“Hongseok,” Jinho cuts him off, already sensing a ramble, “It’s fine. Don’t worry.”  
Hongseok nods and takes another sip, “This hot chocolate is amazing. What did you do to it?”  
Jinho smirks, “Secret ingredient.” Hongseok chuckles but it’s forced.   
Another moment passess, Jinho swirls his drink. He glances at Yanan sweeping away some dust, anything to avoid Hongseok’s gaze.   
“I should get them back to work, we haven't even started on the bathroom or Huitaek’s room.”  
“Yeah, right. I’ll, uh, do some stuff.” Jinho announces, he sets his now empty cup on the table before leaving.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tried doing a text format thing in this chapter hopefully it works
> 
> descriptions of a panic attack/getting triggered/trigger  
> darkness/power cut trigger   
> very slight implications of a risk of self harm but no one does 
> 
> otherwise the standard hurt/comfort thats been raging through the entire fic 
> 
> sorry for the delay in uploads

Thursday

Jinho sighs and sets the backpack onto the bed. It’s black, a simple design but the structure of it suggests it’s sturdy and designed to hold a lot of weight. He opens it curiously, hands wandering around the many pockets on the inside. He didn’t expect much for his birthday, the meal prepared by the other four was more than enough. Briefly he wondered how much Hongseok had spent on it, it wasn’t a personal gift but hugely practical and helpful. He knew that it was without a doubt too expensive for him to afford himself. He remembered the smart shirts Hongseok often wore, the neat cybernetic in his head, the expensive watch he wore. Jinho suspected it was either Changgu or Yanan that had suggested it, Changgu had been nagging him about his old bag that truthfully, was falling apart, and Yanan was more observant than he seemed. He made a mental note to thank Hongseok next time he talked to him.   
His phone buzzes loudly, pulling him out of his thoughts. 

[unknown number]  
Hey.   
It’s Huitaek  
Hongseok gave me your number, hope it’s okay?

He takes a deep breath, a cold, light feeling rising in his chest. Huitaek is trying to recover, he’s trying to change, he reminds himself. 

[me]  
Yeah, it’s ok. How are you doing?

[huitaek]  
I’ve been worse. It’s difficult but I can do it. 

[me]  
That’s good to hear, you’re strong for doing this. 

[huitaek]  
Yeah…how are the boys? Hyunggu and Shinwon? 

[me]   
They’re doing ok, helping Hongseok a lot with the flat.   
Hyunggu’s been recovering slowly, he’s going to try school tomorrow

[huitaek]  
That’s good, I do worry about them. I feel bad for putting them in danger. 

Jinho types out a message, deletes it and stares at the blank space. He knows he’s at least partially responsible for Huitaek’s guilt. He almost wishes he wasn’t so harsh. 

[me]   
Hey, about the other day. I’m sorry for going off on you like that.   
And for being rude before then as well.   
Its really great to hear that you’re making changes. 

[huitaek]  
No don’t apologise, i needed someone to pull me back into my senses. 

Jinho smiles and sends a farewell text, the guilt that previously had been eating away at his chest, vanishing. Maybe things would get better. 

. 

Jinho wakes with a start, he stares into the darkness.   
His mind is reeling, echoing a muffled noise he is sure he heard.   
Something doesn’t seem right, the atmosphere in the room is weird.   
It’s too dark, too quiet.   
He’s used to hearing the electricity faintly through the walls or the hallway light being left on.   
Oh, he thinks, there’s been a power cut.   
He sits up and rummages through his sock drawer, hand closing around a torch. He opens his door and waits for a second, listening through the darkness for any sound. Maybe Yuto hasn’t woken up yet.   
He moves through the corridor, his torch shining the way to Yuto and Wooseok’s room.   
He was wrong, he can hear movement from inside the room.   
He knocks twice before pushing it open and shining the torch on the floor.   
The light is enough for Jinho to see the scene, Wooseok looks up at him, a red mark on his cheek and his eyes wide with confusion. “Hyung-” he begins but Jinho cuts him off.   
“Get Changgu and tell him there’s a power cut,” his voice is gentle yet firm and Woosek leaps up, instantly rushing down the corridor.   
Jinho sets the torch on the floor and looks at Yuto. He’s curled up on the floor next to the bed, his head buried in his knees as loud gasps and sobs fill the room. He knows it’s too late and he’s been triggered by the event.   
“Yuto, you’re safe. It’s Jinho, I’m going to approach you slowly,” he keeps his voice quiet, not wanting to further startle him.   
Yuto doesn’t seem to hear him and continues crying.   
He continues this until he’s crouching in front of him, Yuto still doesn’t seem to realise he’s there.   
He reaches out slowly, resting his hand on the back of Yuto’s neck.   
The reaction is instant, Yuto flinches and uncurls to gaze at Jihno, hands flying out in defense and Jinho holds them to his chest, his free hand pulling Yuto closer into his embrace. The boy gasps in realization and his hands relax in Jinho’s hold.   
“It’s okay, you’re safe,” he reassures as Changgu gently enters the room and begins to light candles around the room. “Changgu’s got the candles out, it’ll be light soon.”  
Yuto pushes further into his shoulder and Jinho can feel his shirt beginning to get damp.  
He knows what it means. He’s still not ready to face the situation. He reaches across the bed, grabbing Yuto’s phone and headphones, he pushes them both into Yuto’s hands and he pulls away from Jinho just enough to put them in and open his phone. Soon Jinho can hear his music faintly.   
“Is he okay?” Wooseok asks when Yuto’s breathing has calmed down considerably. He stands awkwardly in the middle of the room as Yanan arranges the blankets and bean bags.   
“Darkness is one of his triggers, did you get hit?”   
“I tried to comfort him.”  
Jinho nods, “He gets startled and doesn’t like contact.”  
“He seems fine now.”  
“That’s because he’s aware of his surroundings now.”   
Wooseok looks away in discomfort, a quiet ‘Oh,’ as he stands awkwardly.   
Yuto lets out a loud sign against Jinho’s shoulder and he moves a hand through the younger’s hair.   
“Yanan’s getting a movie to put on,” Changgu tells them when he’s finished with the candles. The lighter is hidden safely in his pocket and Jinho notices as Wooseok also pushes the keys on the desk into the drawer. Jinho knows the risk is low but it’s better to be safe.   
Yuto looks up from Jinho’s arms, he notices Wooseok and pushes gently against him.   
Jinho gets the hint, “Wooseok, I think he wants you,” he opens his arms and Yuto tries to stand but his legs collapse from the lack of oxygen.   
Wooseok is quick to catch him and guide him to the bean bags Yanan had brought in. Jinho watches as Yuto clings to Wooseok, their bodies curling into each others’ as if it was instinct.   
The dynamic and energy between them had changed completely.   
Jinho smiles to himself as he went back to his room to change his shirt, it’s going to be a long night.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions of a fight  
> vomiting

Monday

Shinwon leans against the wall and takes a deep breath. He has to admit the renovation of the flat has completely changed the atmosphere. There’s still work to be done, the corridors have had the wallpaper stripped and are waiting to be repainted, Hongseok’s room that he used to share with Hyojong still needs to be redone. But they’ve done a lot in a week. He hopes Huitaek will like his new room.   
He breathes out slowly, playing with the rips in his jeans. He doesn’t want to go to the party but he won’t let Hyunggu go alone.   
“I’m ready,” the boy states as he slips out of the bathroom. He’s wearing a leather jacket over his shirt and the rips in his jeans make it more holes than fabric. Shinwon is certain he can spot some eyeliner and glitter on his face too. He looks stunning, Hyunggu always looks stunning.   
He nods and they move through the corridor, Hongseok in the kitchen behind the stove. He’s making some kind of soup and the smell fills the kitchen. “We’re going now,” Hyunggu tells him and he nods in acknowledgement. There’s a knock at the door before he can say anything else and Shinwon’s heart leaps in his chest.   
Today Huitaek comes back.   
He gazes at the man through the corridor. It’s clear he has changed although he looks tired, nervous even. There’s something different in his eyes, he’s more alert, his facial expressions seem more genuine, he even stands taller. No longer hiding himself.   
Shinwon listens in on their conversation but it’s nothing important, just talking about the changes in the apartment. Huitaek mentions a routine, some kind of recovery plan but Hyunggu distracts him and pulls him out of the flat before he can even say anything.   
Oh, right. Of course Hyunggu isn’t going to be happy about it.   
Distantly he wonders how long it will take Hyunggu to forgive Huitaek, if he ever does. 

Not more than 3 hours later Shinwon is back at the flat, rubbing Hyunggu’s back as he clutches onto the toilet seat, gagging on nothing. He retches and gasps again before leaning back on his heels, harsh breaths echoing around the room.   
There’s a knock on the door, “Are you okay? Do you need anything?” Huitaek calls and before Shinwon can answer Hyunggu spits an angry ‘Piss off’. It’s loud enough for Huitaek to hear. He leans over the toilet seat again, not noticing as Shinwon leaves the confined room. Huitaek is still standing outside the door. There’s concern on his face, but shame and guilt in his eyes. “Is he okay?”  
Shinwon avoids his gaze, there’s too much pain in them for him to handle. “He got in a fight, punched in the throat-”  
“Ah…”  
Shinwon hates the tension between them, an apology sits on his tongue, courtesy of Hyunggu’s rudeness but he can’t bring himself to say it. What would he be apologising for. Huitaek deserves it.   
But does he?  
It feels wrong, Shinwon can’t be angry at him. Hurt? Yes. Angry and resentful? It feels too wrong.   
“I’m gonna, uh, get some ice or something, from the fridge. For the bruising,” he stumbles on his sentence, avoiding Huitaek’s eyes at all cost.   
“Good idea, I think Hongseok’s out now, I know he usually helps, but if you need anything I’ll be there, I promise.”   
Shinwon stares at the floor, noticing how the skirting board still had the original colour. It sticks out against the wall stripped wall like a sore thumb. “Thank you,” he mumbles before pushing past Huitaek.


	23. Chapter 23

Thursday night

The next time they’re all together is Changgu’s birthday. He didn’t want much, just a nice meal and to be with those close to him. Jinho makes a mental note to thank Hongseok at the end for arranging it. Booking a private room and a hearty meal was beyond his capabilities.   
He sips at his wine glass and glances around the room, taking in the chaos. Wooseok and Shinwon are in the corner getting carried away with the karaoke machine, Yanan’s got Changgu pinned on a chair, drunkenly balancing on his thighs as he attacks Changgu with birthday kisses. He’s lost sight of Hongseok but he spies Yuto with his phone out, recording as Hyunggu joins the karaoke. The noise is almost unbearable but it’s what Changgu wants for his birthday.   
“Hey,” Jinho recognises Huitaek’s voice as he pulls a chair out, “Mind if I sit?”  
Jinho shakes his head with a smile, trying to discreetly hide his wine glass or at least put it out of reach. “Oh, you don’t need to do that. Part of my recovery is exposure to it. Besides I have my trusty apple juice.”   
He laughs nervously, “How have you been?”   
Huitaek grimaces, “I’ve been worse. Much worse, but, I am 11 days clean now.”   
“Wow, that’s really great!” and Jinho means it.   
Huitaek nods, “I gotta say thanks to you for knocking me back into my senses.”  
Again, the uneasiness tugs at Jinho’s ribs and he can’t help but apologise.   
“No, no, no,” Huitaek interrupts him. “Look at it this way, we started on a bad foot, I’m becoming a better person. Can we start this again?”  
Jinho takes a moment to consider whatever ‘this’ means. What was ‘this’ that they had between them? He doesn’t know but he agrees anyway.   
Huitaek holds his hand out, “My name is Lee Huitaek, I’m 25 years old. I like chocolate and producing, nice to meet you.”   
Jinho can’t help but take it, his mind echoing various possibilities but none of them negative, “Uh, I’m Jo Jinho, I’m 26, I’m introverted and used to sing.”   
A flash of panic and unease surges through him, he doesn’t know why he told Huitaek that. He hasn’t sung in years. But his mind can’t help but prod curiously at the opportunities, the recording equipment he saw stashed in the corner of Huitaek’s room. His gaze settles on the darkness of Huitaek’s black hair, how it falls in front of his eyes and Jinho almost wants to reach out and adjust it. He pushes the thought away and laughs nervously, letting Huitaek direct the conversation.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings  
> seizures hospital trips  
> descriptions of cannulas/iv drips/medicenes/injections  
> difficult parents/home situations  
> descritpions of blood

Friday 

Jinho pushes past the heavy glass doors of the company building, the security guard barely spares him a glance as he switches on his phone and shoves it in his pocket. He begins the routine walk towards the school. He can feel his phone buzzing in his pocket, various messages and notifications coming through. He ignores it and glances at the sky, it’s a deep, clear, blue colour. He basks in the sun, its warmth almost making him forget the bitter cold of the winter. His phone buzzes again, several times and a final time before falling silent. He pauses his walk to check it, it’s never anything important but he can’t help but feel a slight itch to know. Just in case.   
He has several messages from Hongseok, a missed call from Changgu and Shinwon, and more messages from the other three. Wooseok’s contact name, however, is still empty.   
He unlocks it and reads the messages from Hongseok. 

Wooseok’s in Hospital, he had a seizure at school.   
Changgu and I are here with him, get here when you can.   
He’s stable, we are still here. 

Jinho’s stomach drops and he instantly changes his course. The only thing on his mind is getting to the hospital, his pace increases and his trainers squeak faintly against the ice on the path but he doesn’t pay attention to it. He’s at the hospital in record time. He barely registers asking at the reception, being led down the many corridors, asked more questions. He can feel his heartbeat in his fingertips.   
“Wooseok-” the boy’s name tumbles from his lips as he enters the room. He notices Changgu and Hongseok in the room. Wooseok is laying propped up in a bed, several wires and things attached to him. He’s still in his school uniform, although tie removed and shirt unbuttoned for comfort. “What happened? Are you okay?”   
“He’s a bit too tired to talk at the moment but he had a seizure at school,” Changgu starts and Jinho takes the seat next to the bed, taking Wooseok’s hand in his gently. His gaze falls over the cannula in his other hand, the wires attached to two bags of liquid on a stand.   
“He forgot to take his immunosuppressants this morning and it caused a seizure at school. He’s okay and stable, the doctors said there’s minimal damage just some bruised tissue but he needs plenty of rest.”   
Jinho nods along, listening carefully to Changgu’s every word. He glances at the boy again, only now noticing a faint ring of blue around the boy’s eye. He can’t help himself from reaching out, gently tracing the bruise with his thumb. “Oh, Wooseokie, I told you about the immunosuppressants…”   
“I’m sorry Hyung,” Wooseok mumbles and the way his speech sounds strained, slightly slurred sends another pang through Jinho’s heart.   
“Don’t talk, it’s okay. Was it just this morning?”   
Wooseok nods in confirmation and Jinho relaxes a bit.   
“I didn’t manage to get the other three from school-”  
“They were sent home, Yuto and Yanan were very upset from it so Hyunggu went with them,” Hongseok assures him and Jinho nods. A solemn silence falls over them and Jinho continues to hold and rub Wooseok’s hand, wanting to hold him close but scared to hurt him further.   
There’s a knock on the door and a nurse clears her throat. “His medications are ready to collect, we’d like to keep him here overnight at least just to keep an eye on his recovery. His parents have been alerted to the situation and are on their way.”   
Hongseok takes the paper bag from her but Jinho is barely paying attention, instead he’s exchanging worried glances with Changgu and noticing Wooseok’s quiet panic. He starts squeezing Jinho’s hand, his eyes wide with fear as his chest starts to rise and fall rapidly.   
“Okay, what’s going on, what am I missing?” Hongseok asks soon as the door closes.   
Changgu takes a deep breath, “Wooseok ran away from home, his parents can’t know where he is-”  
“We need to get him out of here, now.” Jinho decides but he doesn’t know how. “What’s in the bags?” he points to the two bads attached to the IV drip, one clear and one orange that Jinho is sure is immunosuppressants but he wants to make sure.   
“Immunosuppresants and morphine, he can do without them.”  
Jinho nods, “Is it okay if we remove the cannula?” he asks and Wooseok nods, eyes full of fear but never leaving Jinho.   
“I have a car parked in the car park-”  
“Brilliant,” Jinho mumbles at Hongseok’s declaration, he reaches into Wooseok’s shirt to gently detach the heart monitor on his chest.   
“Fuck, he’s bleeding,” Changgu mumbles.   
“Just cover it up with something,” Jinho can feel his heartbeat rising again, panic settling in his stomach but he can’t afford to panic. “He’s going to look suspicious like this,” he realises, there’s dirt and blood on his shirt, he looks pale and there’s bruising on his face.   
“It’s fine, we don’t have time to cover it up.”   
Jinho nods to himself, remembering to breathe as he helps Wooseok move his legs to the floor. “Can you stand?”  
“Yea-” Wooseok’s response is cut off as his legs collapse under him but Hongseok is quick to catch him and lift him into his arms bridal style.   
Jinho shrugs, “That works.”   
“Car keys are in my back pocket,” Hongseok mumbles.   
“I’ve got his meds.”  
“Jinho, check if it’s clear.”  
He takes a breath and opens the door, checking down both sides of the corridor, then estimating the distance to the stairs. He closes the door again. “It’s clear, maybe 30 metres to the stairs. If we walk quick and don’t look at anyone we’re less likely to attract attention.”   
The other two nod in agreement.   
“Wooseok, hide your hand in his shirt. Blood will definitely attract attention.”  
Wooseok nods and presses it against Hongseok, Jinho almost feels bad for dirtying his shirt but he knows they haven't got time for it.   
“I’ll go in front, Jinho you take the back,” Changgu suggests and Jinho nods, feeling a certain security in the use of previous strategies. The look in Changgu’s eyes tells him that they’re going to make it work, no matter what.   
“Alright, go!”  
The three of them walk out of the room, heads low, avoiding eye contact but walking at a brisk pace. Jinho’s counting the metres in his head, desperately listening out for any signs of danger. He can hear his heart pounding and he can feel electricity in his fingers.   
“Mr and Mrs Jung? Here for Jung Wooseok?”   
His heart leaps in his chest and he whips round to look, at the end of the corridor he sees the same nurse directing a couple towards the room they were just in.   
“Fuck, hurry up. Go! They’re here!” He hisses loud enough for Hongseok and Changgu to hear. Instantly the pace picks up and within moments they’re in the stairwell.   
But it doesn’t stop there.   
If they were seen, they would still be in danger.   
“Go! Go!” He doesn’t bother lowering his voice now, gently pushing the small of Hongseok’s back and they all but run down the stairs. Wooseok clinging onto to Hongseok as best as he can while more blood stains his shirt. When they reach the bottom of the stairs Jinho is panting hard but he keeps going, Changgu is holding the door open to the car park and they run for it. At the last moment Jinho remembers the car keys and he reaches into Hongseok’s pocket and unlocks the car, sliding into the drivers’ seat without hesitation.   
“Everyone have their seatbelt?” he asks as he turns the engine on.   
“Really Jinho?”  
“Wooseok just had a seizure, I’m not taking chances.”  
“He has his seatbelt on.”   
With that, Jinho reverses out of the parking space and drives out of the car park, just under the speed limit. He drives in silence, no one else tries to talk and he’s still breathing harshly. The hum of the car engine helps him calm down slowly and he starts to process that they’ve made it. They’re safe now.   
He pulls into a service station and stops the engine. “Hongseok switch with me.”  
Distantly he realises how cold and direct his tone is but he’s too worried and preoccupied to change it. “How are you feeling?” he asks Wooseok gently, he reaches to stroke the boy’s hair gently. It’s damp and he’s breathing heavily.   
“ ‘m tired,” he mumbles and Jinho frowns in concern. He hopes its just the exhaustion from the seizure and the panic from the situation.  
“I know Wooseokie, we’re almost home. And then you can rest.”   
The engine starts again and Jinho relaxes into the seat, Hongseok’s driving is much smoother than his own. “If he wants he can stay at ours, it’s quieter there.”  
“How does that sound?” Jinho suggests and Wooseok shakes his head, resting it on Jinho’s shoulder. Jinho can just about hear, ‘wanna be with Yuto’.   
“That’s okay, you’ll see him soon.”


	25. Chapter 25

Saturday  
Jinho sighs into his cup of coffee, the smell and warmth of the drink giving him temporary comfort as he closes his eyes, exhaustion making his body feel heavy.   
He feels a warm hand on his shoulder and opens his eyes to see Changgu.   
“How is he?” Jinho asks, his mind constantly occupied on Wooseok’s recovery. Even in his sleep he saw the boy lying in the hospital bed.   
“He’s resting. I woke him for some food and meds but he’s very tired.”   
Jinho sighs again and nods, leaning his head against Changgu’s shoulder. “I don’t want to go with them today,” he mumbles and he feels Changgu’s arm sling around his waist. “I’m tired.”   
Changgu nods in agreement, but they both know it’s more than tiredness from last night. “Hongseok offered to take Yanan and Yuto, he has a car-”  
“So convenient to have a car,” Jinho pulls away from Changgu’s hold, “I feel bad, we’ve already asked him for enough-”  
“No it’s okay. He offered. And plus it’s better for the boys because they don’t have to deal with the public after, you know how that bothers them.”   
“It bothers me as well,” Jinho mumbles and Changgu raises an eyebrow.   
He takes the now empty cup from Jinho’s grip, “It would be good to trust Hongseok with this, you could do with a break and Wooseok needs someone here while he’s recovering.”   
“Why should we trust him with something?” Jinho snaps back, his tone is defensive and he regrets it. He doesn’t mean to be, but the exhaustion is winning.   
Changgu only gives him another look. “Hongseok is a good person, he’s proved that multiple times and the boys like him. Plus you can’t do everything yourself.”   
“Yeah...I know,” Jinho gives in, he knows Changgu is right. “And where will you be?”  
“I’ll stay here.”  
Jinho nods and gives Changgu a tight hug, his fingers lingering almost too long on Changgu’s waist. “I’m going back to bed, tell Hongseok I said thanks when he comes to pick them up?”


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> suggestive

Jinho hums under his breath, an old tune coming into his head as he leaves the kitchen. The smell of dinner and the sound of Changgu and Hongseok’s laughter following him. It’s warm in the flat, he feels calm.  
He knocks on Yanan’s door, there’s a small shout and then the sound of stuff being knocked over. He’s been meaning to catch up with Yanan about that music essay but due to last week’s events it had been difficult  
“Hey Hyung,” his words sound too forced and there’s a slight blush on his cheeks that indicates he’d knocked something over, Jinho only grins in amusement.   
“I was meaning to catch up with you about the essay, the music one we wrote together?”  
“Oh,” Yanan’s smile drops a bit, “uh, I almost failed it.” He lets out a nervous chuckle. “It was too short, and apparently I only explained I didn’t analyse, but it’s the same thing…”   
“You know, if you wanted to stay after school for extra tutoring or something-”  
A loud, suspicious noise interrupts his sentence and he pauses listening out for it. Several more can be heard through the walls, “Is that-”  
“Yuto and Wooseok are in the shower.” Yanan coughs awkwardly, his cheeks a light pink as he shuffles on the spot.   
“I swear to god-”  
“Hey at least you know they’ll be clean,” Hongseok reasons from behind him, Jinho stares into his eyes briefly.   
“They’re using up the water bill, which I pay for.”  
Hongseok shrugs and moves past him but then he pauses, curious as to what Jinho will do. Yanan continues to shuffle awkwardly.   
Jinho raises his fist and bangs loudly on the door, it rattles slightly and the two boys definetly would’ve heard. “Hey! Stop wasting my water bill! I pay for that shit!” He waits for the sounds to stop before walking away. 

Not even 20 minutes later he’s going back down the corridor, calling everyone for dinner. He calls Yanan first, who quickly waddles down the corridor in search of food. He knocks on Yuto and Wooseok’s door and after hearing no response, opens it. Almost instantly he regrets it. Yuto’s shirtless and on top of Wooseok who’s got both hands in Yuto’s pants. “Seriously! Just before dinner!” Jinho exclaims and they quickly pull away from each other, blushing hard. “Dinner’s ready, Changgu and Hongseok worked hard to make it go and be grateful instead of horny!” he scolds them as they tidy themselves up and go into the corridor.   
“Hyung, you didn’t let us finish in the shower…” Yuto starts but Jinho is quicker, smacking them both, lightly on the back of the head. Wooseok bursts out laughing.   
“It’s not funny!”   
“It kinda is.”   
Jinho signs in exasperation, “Go and have dinner you horny bastards.”


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions of past homophobic experiences/unnaccepting family  
> mentions of past substance abuse   
> kinda implied cheating  
> internal homophobia   
> just relationship talk

Monday 

Jinho takes a deep breath, trying to calm his anxiety as he stares at the door. The scuff marks are still there but the door is closed and the number is properly fixed. The seconds feel like minutes as they tick by and his heart jumps as the keys rattle in the lock.   
“Hey Jinho, everything okay?” Hongseok asks and Jinho nods, pulling at his sweater paws and only now realising the sweater belongs to Hongseok.   
“I, uh. I’m good I just...would you go on a walk with me?”  
“Right now?”  
“Yeah, I, uh. Want to talk to you about something.” Jinho rubs his neck, avoiding eye contact with the taller man, his heart is racing and he has no idea how he’s going to ask him.   
They walk down the stairs in silence and Jinho stares at the sky when they get outside. It’s warmer today, still winter but the pavement is clear of ice and the sun’s rays warm his skin.   
“How-how’s Wooseok?”  
Jinho nods, “Yeah he’s, uh, he’s good, he’s recovering.”  
They continue to walk in silence and Jinho hates the awkward atmosphere he’s created. His heart only beats faster the longer they go without exchanging a word. He can’t wait any longer.   
“What’s your relationship with Hyunggu?” he blurts and Hongseok pauses to look at him, a blank, almost surprised expression on his face. “Sorry, forget it. We can go back-”  
“No, no it’s okay. I’m just a little surprised and confused.”  
He starts walking again and Jinho can only follow. “I, uh, I’ve been considering a lot of things, about….”  
“About what?”  
“About us.”   
Hongseok nods, not giving away how he feels about Jinho’s statement but Jinho hopes he didn’t imagine the little smirk on Hongseok’s lips.   
“Hyunggu and I, it’s complicated. You know his family kicked him out for being gay?”  
Jinho shakes his head, he had no idea but he guessed he had some kind of family issue. “Anyway, it’s affected him a lot and at first we dated and it was really good but as his mental health started getting worse due to his situation and it fell apart.”   
He pauses and they change course, there’s a slight breeze that brushes against Jinho’s skin.   
“He started abusing substances and going to all these parties and getting into fights, substance abuse is because of how the flat used to be, he’s not addicted, thankfully. But our relationship turned into me cleaning him up every time something went wrong and he was either too out of it or too upset with his sexuality to do any relationship things.”  
“I’m sorry that happened.”  
Hongseok shakes his head, “I’m happy I can at least help him like that.”  
“But still-”  
“Shhhhh,” Hongseok puts a single finger to Jinho’s lips, “I haven't finished.” He pauses and takes a breath before moving on, “The only bit that really, negatively affects me and worries me a lot. So, I’m asexual, which means I don’t-”  
“I know what it is,” Jinho reasurres, not wanting Hongseok to have to explain it all again.   
“Right, and I don’t mind sex, I’m just not too interested. But it means that I need an emotional and romantic connection in a relationship.”  
“Which you’re not getting?”  
“Right.”  
Jinho nods, processing his words, “You said it worries you?”  
Hongseok takes a deep breath, “The only times Hyunggu does do relationship things with me is for sex. And I know when he goes to parties he does things with girls-”  
“But that’s cheating!”  
“Not really, we’re open but we didn’t discuss it. And it worries me because I know he got rejected by his family, but I’m scared he’s rejecting himself and forcing himself on girls to maybe, I don’t know, convince himself or something? That he’s not gay? When he comes home after he gets so depressed and upset about it. But then he avoids me as well when we have sex-”  
“I’d say you really need to sit down and talk this through with him.”  
“It’s difficult, he’s stubborn with his emotions.”  
Jinho paues, they’re outside the flats again. “Well we know he’s given up all substances, whether he was addicted or not along with Huitaek. And Shinwon is trying to encourage him to learn healthy coping mechanisms and to talk about how he’s feeling. So maybe you could slip it in there somewhere. Because it sounds like the partying affects his mental health hugely. But don’t force yourself to be in a relationship just for the sake of it.”  
“I’m not, I don’t even know what we are now. But you’re right, I do need to talk to him about it”  
An awkward silence hangs over them, technically the conversation is over but Jinho feels like there’s more to be said.   
“Thank you for this.”  
Jinho shakes his head, “Don’t mention it.”  
“And about what you said earlier, about us. I do like you, a lot. I just need to sort things-”  
“That’s fine don’t worry, I’m also poly, with Changgu and Yanan, if you didn’t-”  
“It’s kinda obvious,” Hongseok laughs and Jinho feels relief flood through him.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> coming out and homophobia  
> mentions of previous running away from home/ unnacepting parents  
> crying   
> hurt/comfort as usual

Shinwon pov 

Shinwon leans against the door frame, tugging at his sweater paws as the weight on his chest settles. He closes his eyes briefly and focuses on breathing slowly.   
“What’s with the big sigh?” Hyunggu asks, promptly dropping his phone and cursing under his breath. Shinwon can’t help but flinch at the noise. Once Hyunggu has retrieved his phone he slings his arms around Shinwon, resting his head on Shinwon’s shoulder.   
“There was a letter from my sister,” Shinwon starts, his arms feel heavy and numb. He feels Hyunggu lift his head, gazing at his face but he refuses to meet the boy’s eyes. “I explained to Jinho about it, and he said that I should explain and tell them how I’m doing-”  
“Just because Jinho said something doesn’t mean you should do it.”  
Shinwon shifts his weight and Hyunggu pulls back, “Yeah but he’s helped us a lot. And they don’t know why I ran away and I don’t know if they even are against me.”   
Hyunggu sighs and rubs Shinwon’s arm, “Do you want to know?”  
Shinwon nods, “Yeah. I do. I want to at least tell my sister, she might understand. But what do I even say? I haven't got a label-”  
“You don’t need a label to be valid-”  
“But they won’t understand that.”   
Hyunggu falls silent, he’s still got both arms placed on Shinwon’s shoulders and Shinwon is convinced that if Hyunggu lets go his legs will just give out. “Is it that same feeling or has it changed?”  
“It’s the same, I think. I haven't really thought about it-”  
“So it’s like asexual? Aromantic?”  
Shinwon shrugs, “Definitely asexual, I just really don’t like girls like that I still don’t know about boys…”  
“Then tell her that.”  
“Really?”  
Hyunggu nods confidently, his gaze is unavoidable. “I think the kitchen’s free now.”  
“So you think I should do it?”  
“If you want to, yes.”   
Shinwon takes another breath, he nods and Hyunggu gives his shoulder a little squeeze before he leaves the room. He feels like he’s suffocating, his legs feel weak and there’s the same weight on his chest, every breath is a battle. He leans against the countertop, relieved that it’s clean as he takes his phone out.   
The number stares menacingly at him from the phone screen, as if taunting him. He presses the call button, waves of anxiety crashing down on him as the phone rings. The silence between each ring is deafening. Eventually, she picks up.   
“Shinwon? Are you okay? What happened?”  
Hearing his sister’s voice for the first time in two years makes his eyes sting, the concern in her voice makes him feel guilty for running in the first place. “Noona…”  
“Oh Shinwon, where are you? Are you in danger?”  
“Noona I’m fine, please listen. I’m living at a friends flat and finishing school I’m ok I just…”  
He can’t bear to say it, his throat closes up and his tongue feels heavy in his mouth.   
“What is it Shinwon?”  
“I-I’m sorry I ran away, but I don’t think I can come back…”  
She sighs, “Shinwon, you can come back anytime, mum and dad are worried sick about you-”  
“No you don’t get it.” He grips the counter and takes a deep breath.   
“I’m listening Shinwon, I’m here.”   
He bites his lip, he has to tell her at least, he has to know for sure. “I don’t like girls. Sexually or romantically I just-”  
“Are you gay?” she asks and the change in her voice strikes a wave of pain through his chest. It’s hushed, suspicious, as if it’s a secret, as if it’s something to be ashamed of.   
“No, I-I don’t think so. I don’t like anyone like that-”  
“Well you have to like someone-”  
“Noona I don’t I-”  
“Have you tried it with either?”  
“Yes and I don’t like anyone like that. I can’t fake it.”   
She falls silent and Shinwon wipes away a stray tear, he’s not crying.   
“I think it’s best if you don’t come home. Mum will be grief stricken and well, you know what dad would do.”  
Shinwon nods, sniffling slightly. “I’m sorry.”  
“I won’t tell them anything, come back when you’ve gotten over this phase of yours and found the right person.”   
“Noona-” he cuts himself short, she’s hung up. He sees movement in the corridor and Hyunggu appears in the doorway, a single eyebrow raised in question. Shinwon shakes his head, tears falling freely down his face as he puts down the phone. Hyunggu rushes over to him, his hands gently brushing tears away as he pulls Shinwon into his arms. He struggles to keep his pain in, it claws at his throat and makes his chest ache. His heart is beating rapidly and he struggles to breath. He holds onto Hyunggu’s hoodie like a lifeline as he sobs loudly into his chest.   
“Just breathe, I’m here,” Hyunggu murmurs quietly and Shinwon nods, desperately trying to take a deep breath but his chest is aching. His breath shudders as he continues to cry, his mind reeling from what his sister said.   
“I’m broken,” he whispers and he feels Hyunggu hold onto him tighter, he flinches as he feels another hand on his back, he lifts his head from Hyunggu’s chest to see Hongseok.   
“His family rejected him for being asexual,” Hyunggu explains and Shinwon sighs as more tears fall down his face.   
“Shinwonie, it’s okay, you’re not broken.” Hongseok’s other hand falls onto his back, rubbing comforting circles as he starts to calm down. “It’s not weird, I’m asexual. It doesn’t mean you’re broken or you can’t have relationships with people. It’s just how you feel.”   
Shinwon nods, trying to take in Hongseok’s words and ignore how Hyunggu tenses up and shifts uncomfortably. He tries to ignore the invading thoughts of what Hyunggu thinks of it. He nods and sniffles.   
“We love you either way,” Hyunggu mumbles and presses a kiss to Shinwon’s cheek.   
He nods and tries to believe it.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lots of food description making food discussion of food difficultites and anxiety

Wednesday

“So you want me to teach you how to make a packed lunch?” Jinho confirms and Huitaek nods eagerly.   
“Like the ones you make for Yanan and the others,” he says, holding a notebook and pen in his hands, “I want to make lunches for Hyunggu and Shinwon at school.”   
Jinho finds himself holding back a huge grin, it doesn’t help how dead serious Huitaek is about it either. He nods. “Okay, well firstly Shinwon has troubles with eating and Hyunggu isn’t at school for half the day so you won’t need a full lunch box.”   
He can’t help noticing how Huitaek takes note of everything he says, it’s unnecessary but cute and Jinho doesn’t have the heart to stop him. He walks past him towards the fridge and opens it.  
Its empty, except for a carrot and a block of butter.   
“Well first you need some actual fucking food,” he says with a laugh.   
“Yeah, I- uh, was meant to go shopping-”  
“Surprise!” Hongseok yells as he barges through the front door, hands full with shopping. “We had no food so I went shopping, and no Huitaek, carrot and butter doesn’t count as food.”   
He places the bags on the counter and Jinho is impressed how he can carry so much up all the stairs. “This is, a good start.”   
“Hyung, you didn’t need to, I can pay you ba-”  
“Shush,” Hongseok cuts Huitaek off, holding a hand over Huitaek’s mouth, “It’s on me, besides I needed food too. What are we doing?”  
“We are teaching Huitaek how to make a packed lunch for Hyunggu and Shinwon,” Jinho answers as Hongseok begins unpacking the grocery bags.   
“Well, I can’t be of much help as I take too much for lunch to work,” he admits as he piles vegetables into the tray at the base of the fridge. “I get hungry quickly,” he adds.   
“Hongseok, don’t you cook dinner here?” Jinho asks as Huitaek starts looking through the other bags.   
“Usually, Hui’s been helping out a bit recently.”   
Jinho notices how Huitaek stops and stares at Hongseok, a light blush dusting his cheeks at the nickname. He smirks lightly.   
“Shinwon usually has dinner right?” He waits for Hongseok to nod in confirmation before he goes on, “And what about breakfast?”  
“I’ve been encouraging him to have a bit of toast, usually he manages a slice.”   
“Oh! He told me he takes some crackers to school and has fruit from the canteen at lunch.” Huitaek adds and Jinho raises an eyebrow.   
“You believe that?”  
“I did, but now…”   
Hongseok rolls his sleeves up and leans against the countertop, his eyes fall over some foods Huitaek’s taken out of the bags and Jinho has to try not to stare at how effortlessly good he looks. “He’s never told us anything about it, eating always seemed like a struggle for him since he came here. I reckon it’s anxiety though.”   
“Some stuff that he does seems a bit similar to Yanan, he’s struggling with anxiety and when we first found him he struggled eating a lot. He said the anxiety made him feel really sick.”   
An odd silence falls over the three of them, Jinho wouldn't describe it as uncomfortable but it wasn’t cheerful, more sombre than anything. But he felt at ease around them both.   
“How did you help Yanan with eating?” Huitaek asks quietly, breaking the silence.  
“Uh, we just stuck to regular meal times, and slowly tried to increase what he was eating. He’s been having a lot of therapy since then though.”  
“I might mention it to him,” Hongseok says, “But we need to unpack all the food and show Hui how to make their lunches.”   
Jinho nods in agreement, it doesn’t feel quite right to talk about Shinwon without him there, but he guesses it will be difficult to address it with the boy too. He hopes Hongseok will manage.   
“I guess Hyunggu will need a lot of food cuz he does sport right?” Huitaek asks.  
Jinho nods in confirmation, “More carbohydrates and proteins than anything.”  
“Which is…?”  
“Sandwiches, meat, tuna or ham could work if he likes those,” Hongseok suggests. “Bananas are also really good for slow release of energy.”  
Huitaek nods along, noting the information down before reaching for the bread and ham, he unwraps the bread and grabs a knife, about to cut into it but Jinho stops him.   
“You need a board!” he all but shouts, Hongseok looks as stressed as Jinho feels. “You’ll damage the countertop Hongseok spent a week replacing, and the bread could get dirty-”  
“Besides you’re using the wrong knife,” Hongseok adds, handing him a bread knife from the drawer. Jinho places a board under the loaf. “There you go.”   
He watches over Huitaek cutting the bread, wanting to make sure he doesn’t accidently cut himself as Hongseok continues to tidy the fridge. After he cuts a few slices, he opens the ham and places it between the slices of bread.   
“Are you- are you done?” Jinho asks cautiously, Hongseok pauses to glance at Huitaek’s sandwich, he grimaces.   
“I think so...what’s wrong with it?”  
“It’s just a bit…” Jinho struggles to find the words.   
“Plain,” Hongseok fills in.   
“You didn’t put a lot of effort into it.”  
“Basic.”   
“Cheap.”  
“Ok, ok guys that’s enough criticism here i tried-”  
“Did you though, I watched you slap the ham like you didn’t care…”  
Huitaek grumbles something under his breath, “What should I do then?”  
“Start with toasting the bread so it won’t go damp,” Jinho suggests and he removes the ham to place the bread in the toaster.  
“Salad or tomato goes really well with ham, also you should butter the bread as well,” Hongseok adds as he moves past the both of them to reach for a cabinet.   
Huitaek lets out a big sigh, “Making sandwiches takes a lot more than I thought.”  
“Well if you’re going to make a sandwich for someone you want it to be a good quality sandwich, made with love.”   
“Sandwich made with love, got it.” He mumbles as he tries again. “Well?” he asks when he’s finished, standing back from the final product.   
“That looks like a good sandwich and now I’m hungry,” Hongseok says and Huitaek beams, he glances to Jinho, waiting for his approval.   
“It’s much better,” he says, and he means it.


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> descriptons of cybernetics   
> descriptions of learning disabilities

thursday 

Shinwon looks up from the laptop as Hongseok enters the room, he nudges Yanan lightly who shifts uncomfortably. Shinwon lowers the volume on the film they’re watching, he pats Yanan’s leg in comfort. “It’s okay, he won’t judge.”   
Yanan glances at him for reassurance, “Hongseok Hyung?” he asks to get his attention.   
“Yeah? Everything alright?” he pauses and Yanan fidgets again, Shinwon squeezes his hand.   
“Yanan just had a question, go on.”   
Hongseok manages a gentle smile and sits on the bed opposite the one they’re sitting on.   
“I, did your...cybernetic hurt?”  
“Not when I had it done, it hurt a bit during recovery but I had meds for it and it healed quickly, how come? Are you thinking of having one?”  
Yanan shrugs, quickly avoiding his gaze and Shinwon never lets go of his hand. “I- I have a, learning disability...I think it’s dys-dysl...something...”   
“Dyslexia,” Shinwon helps and Yanan nods, he nods for Yanan to continue.   
“The guidance councellor at school said you can get implants to help with it, I was just wondering…” he trails off, voice getting quieter and Shinwon can tell he’s getting worried.  
“Oh okay,” Hongseok nods in understanding, “I don’t think it would be very big at all, probably even smaller than mine and the procedure would be quick. I can help find a good company for you, even just to have a look?”   
Yanan nods enthusiastically and Shinwon feels him relax a little bit, “Thank you Hyung. Oh! And, please don’t tell anyone else yet...I haven’t”  
“Don’t worry about it Yanan, you tell them when you’re ready.”


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> descriptions of therapy/being upset  
> mentioned alcohol

Saturday evening 

Jinho sighs as he locks the apartment door.   
He hears Wooseok storm down the corridor, not even bothering to take off his shoes but Jinho says nothing about it as he slams the bedroom door closed.   
Yanan and Yuto both glance at him nervously but he ignores their gazes, he doesn’t know what he’d say to them. He tries to take extra time in removing his coat and his shoes, the weather is slowly warming up, the sun staying in the sky a little longer.   
Soon enough he hears Yuto and Yanan disappear and there’s another presence in the corridor. He already knows it’s Changgu without having to raise his head.   
“What happened?” he asks but his voice holds no question or judgement, he’s not curious, it’s an invitation to rant and be comforted.   
Jinho can already feel tears pricking at his eyes, a cold weight settling in his chest and throat but he already knows he’s stressed. His arms fall around Changgu’s waist as he hides his head in the man’s neck. Almost instantly Changgu is comforting him and Jinho just takes a few moments to breathe and bask in his lover’s embrace.   
“He didn’t react well to the therapy,” he starts, feeling a slight damp patch on Changgu’s t-shirt where his tears fell. “He didn’t react well at all and I know the first few times are alway difficult but, he was so angry afterwards.” He takes a breath, Changgu’s hand strokes his hair and he feels some tension slip away in his shoulders. “I think I made the wrong decision suggesting it to him.”   
He hears Changgu take a deep breath, he feels it more with how Changgu’s chest rises and falls. “I think it’s too early to say. It’s understandable, like you said the first few sessions are always the hardest. Maybe it’s not right for him but that’s a decision he’ll have to make, give him the option for now.”   
Jinho nods and holds onto him for a bit longer. He tries to push away all his worries.   
“How about, you can choose a film and I’ll get the wine?” Changgu suggests and Jinho can’t fight the smile that appears on his face.   
“What’s the special occasion?”  
Changgu hesitates, a grin on his face. “Maybe...my beautiful strong boyfriend being amazing and needing to relax and have some fun?”  
Jinho’ smile grows wider, he presses a kiss to Changgu’s chin. “I love you.”


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions of depression

Sunday morning   
The sweetness of the jam explodes in Shinwon’s mouth as he stares blankly into the darkness. He can’t remember what time it is but the sun has just started to rise, the kitchen is filled with a dim blue light. He sips at his tea, legs swinging slightly from the counter.   
The light is suddenly switched on and he’s stunned for a second, almost choking on his toast.   
“What the fuck are you doing?” A grumpy looking Hyunggu asks from the corridor, the way he drowns in the hoodie tells Shinwon it’s not his.   
“Eating toast,” Shinwon replies when he recovers from shock.   
“Why, it’s 5 am.”  
“Fuck you why not,” Shinwon spits back, he sips at his tea. “I was hungry. What are you doing?”  
“Looking for you,” Hyunggu replies and Shinwon instantly noticies the change in tone.   
“Do you want a bite?” He offers, but they both know the toast is barely important. Hyunggu comes closer anyway. He squints down at the jam.   
“What is it?”  
“Black cherry jam.”   
Hyunggu opens his mouth and takes a bite as Shinwon feeds him. He nods in approval.   
“What’s up?” Shinwon asks and Hyunggu leans against him, hiding his face against Shinwon’s arm. He lets out a big sigh.   
“I feel shit.”   
“What kind of shit?”  
Hyunggu moves back to stare at him in annoyance and Shinwon chews on the final bit of toast. “I can’t help you if you don’t tell me how you feel.”   
Hyunggu sighs again and leans in, Shinwon slides off the counter and wraps his arms around the boy. Almost instantly he feels Hyunggu relax into his embrace. This was Shinwon’s real goal.   
“I just, I have no energy or motivation to do anything. I feel like the world is worthless, I kinda want to stop existing,” he mumbles against Shinwon’s neck.   
“So like depression shit.”  
“I guess.”  
Shinwon holds him for another moment, gently rubbing the back of his neck. “What are we going to do about it?”  
Hyunggu shakes his head, “I don’t know. Usually I’d push the feeling away and...well you know what I’d do. But Hongseok told me not to do that anymore cuz it makes things worse.”  
“Suppressing your emotions and forcing yourself into uncomfortable situations usually does,” Shinwon mumbles saltily. “Do you want to go to him?”  
Hyunggu shakes his head, then hesitates and mumbles, “Maybe later.”   
“Okay.” Shinwon holds him a little tighter before letting go, his hand is still intertwined with Hyunggu’s. “We could cuddle and watch something, then try and sleep more since it's still early? Who knows maybe you’ll feel better when you wake up.”  
Hyuggu nods, “Yeah we can try that.”   
Shinwon smiles and strokes Hyunggu’s cheek with his thumb, he wants to tell Hyunggu how important he is, how much the boy means to him but his throat closes up and he can’t open his mouth. He leans forward and presses a soft kiss to his forehead before gently leading him back to their room.


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> descriptions of a panic attack

Monday morning   
When Jinho gets a text from Hongseok saying to get to the apartment and Huitaek needs him, he’s not sure what to expect. Either way he’s rushing out of the door on the way within seconds, still zipping up his hoodie.   
Shinwon’s already opening the door to let him in when he gets there and he’s heading straight for Huitaek’s bedroom, fearing the worst. He heads towards Huitaek’s bedroom, his feet navigating him through the darkness and the corridors are familiar to him. He can already hear panicked breathing. He pushes the door open to find Hongseok kneeling on the ground next to Huitaek who’s curled in on himself, hands clamped over his ears as he hyperventilates. The image briefly reminds him of Yuto’s panic attacks and he pushes the memory out of his head. He needs to focus.   
“Hongseok you’re crowding him,” he states and Hongseok instantly looks up at him and moves back. “What happened?”  
“I just, came in to get him for breakfast and-and I couldn’t hear anything so I came in and he was crying-”  
“Get him some water, leave for a few minutes,” Jinho orders, trying to gauge the situation with the little information he has. A surge of panic rises in his chest as he realises he has no idea how to help Huitaek, no idea what calms him down.   
He closes the door.   
“Huitaek, Huitaek can you hear me?” he tries but he gets no response. Huitaek’s hands are closed firmly over his ears, they’re shaking from the effort. Blocking out any noise. He’s overwhelmed, Jinho thinks. There’s too much sensory information and he has nothing to focus on except from his breathing, which would only distress him further.   
Jinho lowers himself to the ground slowly in front of Huitaek, keeping his eyes on the man’s face. He ignores the tears and the panic and focuses on his gaze instead. It’s fixated on the carpet just in front of his own knee. Slowly, Jinho moves his hand to rest on Huitaek’s bare knee. He flinches, but makes no attempt to move away or remove it. His gaze shifts to Jinho’s hand, then to Jinho before darting away again. Jinho keeps his hand on Huitaek’s knee, brushing his thumb over the skin in a slow pattern. If Huitaek can’t hear him he can at least feel Jinho’s touch, focus on it, ground himself on it. He notices the slight shift in his breathing, it’s less erratic and more rhythmic, far from calm but it’s an attempt to match up with Jinho’s touch.   
The pressure lifts off Jinho’s chest. It’s working.   
“Huitaek can you hear me?” he asks again and slowly raises his hand towards Huitaek’s. The man’s eyes meet his and linger, brief recognition and Jinho recognises a slight nod. He places his other hand on top of Huitaek’s hand, gently holding it and pulling it away from his ear. “You’re safe Huitaek, it’s okay,” he reassures as Huitaek lets him pull his hand away. His gaze rises again from the floor to somewhere on Jinho’s chest as his hand curls into his chest. Jinho repeats the calming words, slowly resting his hand on Huitaek’s shoulder. His breaths are slower, still erratic but he’s getting there. He leans into Jinho and Jinho lets him, hands moving to hold Huitaek’s shoulders and back as the man buries his face in Jinho’s chest. The sobs get louder but his breaths get slower until he’s quietly crying into Jinho’s shirt. The way Huitaek clutches at Jinho’s hoodie and his body trembles brings tears to Jinho’s eyes but he doesn’t move.   
There’s a knock at the door, “Can I come in yet?” Hongseok asks and Jinho feels Huitaek nod. He calls Hongseok in anyway, his eyes are wide with worry and he’s got the water. “How is he?”  
Jinho sighs and shifts his leg, the way Huitaek was leaning against him caused it to go dead. “He’s calmer now.”   
Hongseok puts the glass on the bedside table and Huitaek shifts again so he can see Hongseok but his head is still resting on Jinho’s shoulder.   
“When do you go to work?” he asks and Hongseok checks his watch.   
“Uh, actually any time now but-”  
“It’s okay you can go, I’ll stay,” he feels Huitaek shift uncomfortable against him but Jinho knows he’s in no state to be left alone.   
Hongseok nods and glances at Huitaek once more, “If you’re sure.” He leaves and the room becomes quiet again. Huitaek’s cries have reduced to sniffles and silent tears. The sounds of traffic, people, advertisements from the holograms fixed onto buildings echo through the building, the sounds of the city waking up.   
“You should go to work…” Huitaek starts, his voice rough and broken but Jinho cuts him off.   
“I’m taking a day off,” he can feel Huitaek shift uncomfortably, taking a breath to protest again. “I haven't had a sick day for a while, and I’m not leaving you like this. Do you want to talk about it?”   
Huitaek lets out a big sigh and hides his face against Jinho’s shoulder. “It’s mainly withdrawals, they’re making it all worse but…” he trails off and takes another deep breath. Jinho noticies how he starts shaking ever so slightly, “I think I’m in love with you but you don’t trust me.”   
Jinho is shocked into silence for a moment. But it makes sense. He sighs and squeezes Huitaek’s hand. “If I didn’t trust you I wouldn’t be here. Of course we didn’t start off great and I find it difficult to trust people but,” he pauses, not quite sure how to word his feelings. “You’re trying, and you’ve already changed.”  
“You think I have?” Huitaek asks him, his voice full of insecurity.   
“I know you have.”  
He seems happy with the answer and slowly detangles himself from Jinho’s embrace to get the water. He takes a sip and clears his throat, “I just feel like I’m dragging you both down. Hongseok spent last week redoing the place, you have your job and the other boys to look after. You shouldn’t have to calm me down or teach me to make a sandwich. I should be capable of that.”  
“Don’t blame yourself for what you didn’t learn, you’re trying now and that’s the important bit.”   
Huitaek nods and looks away from him, his hands fiddling in his lap. “I just feel-”  
“No huitaek,” Jinho cuts him off. “You’re not a burden, people never are.”  
His gaze finally meets Jinho’s and he nods, just about believing him.


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> opening up about trauma  
> mentions of problematic parents/running away from home  
> breif mentions of cybernetics  
> cheating/heartbreak

“Are you sure about this?” Jinho asks and Huitaek nods, biting his lip slightly. He looks at Jinho, looking for something in his gaze and Jinho’s isn’t sure what it is. He offers an encouraging smile.   
The door to Huitaek’s bedroom is pushed open gently and Hongseok enters, he’s changed from his work clothes to comfier jeans and a wool sweater but he seems uncomfortable. Jinho wonders if he is as curious yet anxious as he feels. Hongseok pushes the door closed and it clicks softly.  
“We can do this another time if you want Hui,” Hongseok says, his voice is quiet and soft and Jinho can hear the traffic outside start to slow down. The sun is beginning to set and he feels the tiredness of the end of the day, yet his mind is alert.   
“No, I want to get it over with-”  
“You don’t need to tell us or explain anything-” Jinho starts but Huitaek cuts him off.   
“I want to.”  
Jinho and Hongseok exchange a glance and Jinho sits on the edge of the bed. He wants to reach out, comfort Huitaek, even just hold his hand but he’s not sure if it’s the right moment. They sit in silence for a moment, the light starting to turn a deep yellow as the sun disappears underneath the horizon.   
Huitaek breathes deeply, “You know the...incident with the parents making contracts for experiments on their children for money to cybernetic companies?...about 20 odd years ago or so that was exposed and stopped.”  
Jinho nods his head, but he’s not sure if Huitaek saw. His gaze is fixated on the carpet as he picks at his nails. “Hyojong and I were victims of that.” His voice is barely above a whisper but Jinho still heard it loud and clear. Anxiety runs through him like electricity in his finger tips and he already feels his mind getting cautious, preparing for anything. But he knows if he leaves now it will hurt Huitaek.   
Huitaek clears his throat, “Nothing happened to us, we ran away before it could. Thats- that’s, uh, the main reason why I am like...this.”   
Jinho relaxes slightly, he can deal with anything but that. Again the urge to reach out to Huitaek kicks in but he holds back.   
“The other reasons… Hyojong was my first love, when we ran away he told me he also liked men but...then I found him with-” he pauses, wiping a tear away. “I found him in bed with Hyuna.” he chokes back a sob and Jinho doesn’t hesitate to comfort him this time. He wraps his arm around Huitaek’s shoulders as he takes a moment to breathe. “I never had anything against her, she was always nice to me, she didn’t know about me and Hyojong but after that I was heartbroken.”   
The bed shifts and Jinho watches as Hongseok shuffles closer, placing a gentle hand on Huitaek’s knee. They exchange glances, a half smile, a serious gaze. But it’s clear Hongseok knows that they both need to support Huitaek.   
“But I couldn’t get rid of him because I still loved him, and he was the only one who knew about our parents. So I found a place and we moved in. He dealt with all the trauma his own way, Hyuna brought Shinwon and Hyunggu to us a couple years back and you know the rest.”   
The room glows a dark red filled with the light from the sun, the comfortable silence falls over them again, occasionally interrupted by Huitaek’s sniffles and noise from the streets.   
“I’m sorry you had to go through all of that alone Huitaek.”   
He shrugs under Jinho’s arm and sniffles. Jinho isn’t sure what else to say but it doesn’t feel awkward.   
“Thank you for trusting us with this,” Hongseok adds and Huitaek laughs quietly.   
“I figured you two of all people deserved an explanation with everything you’ve done for me. And I wanted to tell you anyway.”  
“Does it feel better?” Hongseok asks and Huitaek nods, reaching for his hand and brushing his thumb over Hongseok’s knuckles.   
“Yes, thank you.”   
The silence is interrupted by a loud stomach gurgle and Jinho isn’t sure whether it came from Huitaek or Hongseok. It’s only after Hongseok curses and apologises does he know.   
“Can I start dinner?” he asks and Huitaek nods. Jinho can only think of Huitaek’s giggle and how it made his heart flutter, he still has his arms wrapped around the man and the atmosphere becomes quiet again once Hongseok leaves.   
“You know, your life isn’t over yet. Just because you had a late start, you still have the rest of it in front of you,” Jinho mumbles, he’s not sure if he’s making any sense. He’s not sure what he’s trying to say either. It seems to affect Huitaek either way.   
“Do you really think so? It’s not ruined?”  
Jinho shakes his head, “Of course not. Like I said, it’s already changing, you’re already turning it around.” He can’t help but pull Huitaek closer until he’s resting his head on Jinho’s shoulder. “I believe in you,” he mumbles and out of impulse, he presses a kiss to the crown of Huitaek’s head. 

\


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> slight fight/angry responses  
> mentions of cybernetics   
> panic attacks   
> dealing with rejection

Wednesday morning 

Shinwon signs sleepily as he shovels cereal into his mouth. Yanan sits next to him in a similar state, he already regrets staying up so late.   
“I told you you’d be tired in the morning,” Jinho announces with a grin as Wooseok and Yuto join them at the table. He rolls his eyes as Jinho snickers, but he doesn’t mind the teasing. He places his bowl in the sink when he’s done and sits down, waiting for Yanan. Jinho and Changgu busy themselves with the pack lunches.   
He figures he can pick up on Yanan’s body language pretty quickly, he’s used to it by now. So when Yanan pushes away the half finished cereal and stares at the table, breathing deeply and bouncing his leg. Shinwon knows something isn’t right. He’s about to ask, reach for Yanan’s hand, do something but Yanan beats him to it.   
“I want to get a cybernetic,” he blurts and Shinwon’s heart drops. He knew Yanan was going to tell them soonish but he didn’t expect it today.   
The reaction is immediate, Changgu and Yuto stare at him in surprise but Shinwon can tell that it’s Jinho and Wooseok’s reaction that will upset Yanan. He can already tell it was a bad idea.   
The chair scrapes loudy against the floor as Wooseok stands up, dropping his spoon on the table with a loud clang. He glares directly at Yanan before storming off down the corridor and slamming the door. Shinwon grabs Yanan’s hand as he flinches from the noise.   
“No. You’re not getting one,” Jinho’s voice is almost scary. Shinwon has never heard him so assertive and emotionless. It’s almost worse than Wooseok’s reaction.   
“But Hyung just listen-”  
“No, Yanan. I don’t want to hear another word.”   
Yanan falls quiet and shrinks in on himself. 

Shinwon regrets not paying more attention. He regrets not doing something, maybe comforting or reassuring Yanan more. But deep down he knows this was unavoidable. His legs carry him down the stairs on autopilot, trying to find an empty classroom to take refuge in. Yanan’s weight hanging on him as his breathing becomes harsher and sharper but Shinwon is used to supporting people by now. Finally he finds a classroom and shoves the door open with his shoulder. He doesn’t even bother finding a nice spot, soon as the door is closed he’s pulling Yanan to the floor and into his arms as Yanan shakes and cries into his school shirt. It wouldn’t be the first time it gets tear stained.   
He sits with his back against the wall, hands rubbing gentle comforting shapes against Yanan’s skin as he sobs and gasps for breath against his shoulder.   
“They-they hate me,” Yanan gasps and Shinwon sighs, only able to give comfort as he tires himself out. He knows any words won’t register with Yanan until he’s calmer so he waits. Even if it takes a while, he waits.   
It takes about 15 minutes for Yanan to finally calm down, Shinwon makes a mental note for later reference. It’s taken twice as much as usual but Shinwon isn’t surprised, he would’ve guessed the morning's situation affected him a lot.   
Yanan is still shaking and crying quietly but he’s trying to breathe and Shinwon never stops holding onto him.   
“They don’t hate you-”  
“Ye-yes they do,” Yanan hiccups and Shinwon signs, he knows it’ll be difficult to convince him.   
“No. Jinho would never hate you. He’s just worried and it came across the wrong way.”  
“Did you see the look on his face?”  
Shinwon sighs and cups Yanan’s face gently. “Yes, and it wasn’t a look of hate. I promise you. You know how much he cares about all of you.”   
Yanan glances away, leaning against Shinwon’s shoulder. “Wooseok still hates me,” he mumbles.   
“No, I don’t think he does. He just been through a lot and it’s still very recent for him.”   
Yanan falls quiet, he has no rational argument against Shinwon but it doesn’t stop the feelings. He pushes his face back into Shinwons’ shirt, hiding from the world.   
“They just need some time to process it, it’s natural to be worried, and you didn’t get to explain either,” he continues to reassure Yanan, linking comforting words with comforting actions as Yanan slowly stops crying, he feels Yanan nod against him but he stays quiet.   
“Trust me on this.”  
“Okay.”


	36. Chapter 36

Friday  
Jinho pulls the sweater over his head as he walks towards Yuto and Wooseok’s room. Yanan’s giggles echo through the apartment as he tells Changgu about his day. The feeling of school being over for those three radiates through the walls. He knocks on the door twice and waits for some noise of confirmation, which today is Yuto yelling for him to come in, before walking in. They’re both sitting in front of the old console system, Wooseok is staring intently at the screen while Yuto goes through the games in the shoe box.   
“Are you going to join us for the movie tonight?” Jinho asks as he yawns, he always feels tired on Fridays.   
Yuto glances at him then at Wooseok, who largely ignores Jinho’s presence . Wooseok gives a slight shake of his head and Yuto looks back at Jinho, guilt in his eyes. “I don’t think we will tonight.”   
Jinho can’t hide the frown on his face, it’s unusual. Sometimes Yuto would miss some of it if he wanted to be alone but he’d always join eventually. “How come? Is everything alright?” he presses gently, leaning against the door frame and Yuto avoids his gaze, fidgeting nervously. It’s clear he knows what’s going on.   
“Wooseok is avoiding Yanan,” Yuto blurts, earning a sharp glare from the mentioned boy and he shrugs then looks at Jinho expectantly. He was about to give up and leave them but he decides not to.   
He sighs heavily, “Is this about what he said the other day?”  
His question goes unanswered and Wooseok continues to stare blankly at the screen, Jinho notices how his jaw clenches. “I’ll let it go for now, but we will have to talk about this later,” he decides, Yuto gives him a final worried glance before grimacing and returning to the games. He tries to push the issue away for now as he heads to the main room, he can’t fight the smile that forms on his face as he sees Yanan already cuddled up with Changgu, his head on the elder’s chest and his arms wrapped around his waist.   
“Are they coming?” Changgu asks and Jinho shakes his head, trying to ignore Yanan’s pout. They shuffle around to fit him between them, the movie already playing in the background.   
“Is everything okay?” Changgu whispers and Jinho shifts to reach his ear, not wanting Yanan to hear or worry.   
“I’ll tell you later.”


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions of therapy   
> talks about relationship struggles and stuff   
> polyamarous characters

Saturday morning  
Jinho will admit it’s still a surprise to see Huitaek dressed, showered and awake in the morning. He smiles as Huitaek lets him in, Hongseok has already picked up the others to go to therapy.   
“Are you ready?” he asks and Huitaek glances at him in confusion.   
“Ready...for what?” he sips at his coffee in suspicion and Jinho giggles.   
“We’re going grocery shopping remember?”  
Huitaek’s eyes widen in realisation, “Oh, shit. Yeah. Lemme go tell the other two.” He rushes off to Hyunggu’s bedroom. Jinho laughs to himself and gazes around the room, noticing how it’s being kept tidy and organised. It smells pleasantly of coffee and Jinho mourns the absence of his usual morning cup. “I told them, I just gotta finish my coffee, do you want one?” Huitaek asks and Jinho is about to say no, remembering the condition of the sandwich he built. It can’t be worse than that.   
“Sure, why not.” 

The coffee is surprisingly good. Huitaek seems even happier with himself when Jinho tells him this, either way Jinho is grateful that it serves more than just keeping his hands warm from the bitter wind. It’s warmer and the ice has left for good but the wind is still harsh. They reach the shop just as he finishes his coffee.   
“Have you got a list?” he asks and Huitaek shakes his head, a grin on his lips and Jinho rolls his eyes. “And why don’t you have a list?”  
Huitaek shrugs, “Didn’t think I’d need one. I can make one now for next time.”  
“That- that’s not how it works!” Jinho sighs in exasperation. “How do you know what you need to get?”  
Huitaek takes his phone out from his pocket, “Well Hongseok texted me a few things, and I know we ran out of fruit and veg…”  
“Right, that’s a start.” Jinho grabs a basket. “Do you want to grab Hongseok’s things and I’ll sort the fruit and veg.” Huitaek nods in agreement and heads down the aisle. 

“I was, uh, thinking about what you said, the other day,” Jinho starts awkwardly on the way back. They split the shopping bags between them and finished in less time than he expected.   
“What did I say?” Huitaek asks cluelessly.  
“That you thought you liked me-”  
“Oh.”   
The silence between them becomes painfully awkward and Jinho stares at the pavement, broken glass decorates the bare stone slabs. “Do you...do you still feel that way?”   
“Yes,” Huitaek answers and Jinho sighs in relief.   
“I - uh - I thought about it, a lot and, I’d like to try going out, if you want to. Like dating.” He takes a deep breath, anxiety rising in his chest like cold water. His fingers feel numb.   
“Do you like me?”  
“Yes - I think so. I’m not too sure yet but I have feelings for you and, I think you’re handsome and I trust you,” he adds. He hopes he hasn’t left it too late.   
Huitaek smiles at the ground and keeps walking, “I’m dating Hongseok.”  
“I know,” Jinho replies, it wasn’t a surprise, the gestures and atmosphere between them had changed considerably.   
“And he likes you-”  
“I know. It’s not a problem.”   
Huitaek nods, thinking things over. “So… are you going to date him too?”  
Jinho thinks for a moment, he’s comfortable with his current relationship with Hongseok and they haven't discussed anything further since the last time. “I think so, probably not yet but soon. Neither of us feel like we need to rush it though.” He pauses outside the gate and fishes his keys from his pocket, pressing it against the sensor and the gate buzzes before swinging open. “I am in a polyamorous relationship with Yanan and Changgu though, if you’re not comfortable with that, or it will cause problems.”  
“What will you do if it does?”  
“I won’t date you. I wouldn’t want to hurt you but I’ve been their partner for a few years.”  
Huitaek avoids his gaze, Jinho can tell the comment stung but he doesn’t regret it, it’s the truth.   
“That’s the right thing to do,” Huitaek finally says, “I feel like I could feel jealous or insecure but I don’t think it will be a big problem.” They open the door to the flats and step in, the landlady smiles at them in greeting. “If you decide not to date me I understand.”   
They walk in silence up the stairs, their footsteps echoing against the plain walls. It’s quiet today, the occasional noise of traffic or distant music from a radio but it’s so much quieter than in the evening  
“I’d like to try it, if you’re okay with that,” Jinho says as they pause at the apartment door, Huitaek nods as he unlocks it with his keys.   
“I’d like that too.”   
They enter the apartment in silence, setting the shopping bags onto the counter.   
“Huitaek I-”  
“Oh hey you guys are back!” Hongseok cuts Jinho off, “Changgu let the others in the apartment.”  
“How’s Wooseok?” Jinho asks but the look on Hongseok’s face tells him enough, he glances apologetically to Huitaek who only nods in understanding and gives him a soft smile. “I should go…”  
“That’s fine, I’ll see you around then.”  
JInho leaves the apartment, almost missing the lingering gaze Huitaek gives him as he exits the door, he pushes it from his mind anyway and rushes up the stairs.


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> relationship talk

sunday   
Jinho sighs sleepily and closes his eyes as Hongseok’s hand moves through his hair. The action is small but it makes him feel so relaxed and calm. The tv blares in the background, the only quiet sound in the flat. Shinwon and Hyunggu had gone out with the other boys, Jinho wasn’t sure what Changgu was up to and he was told that Huitaek had gone to the job center. The hand in his hair pauses and he looks up at Hongseok from where his head is resting in his lap. “Why did you stop?”  
“I couldn’t tell if you liked it.” He continues and Jinho’s eyes flutter shut.  
“It’s calming.”  
“Are you stressed?”  
Jinho frowns, when isn’t he stressed. He feels he’s in a permanent state of stress or anxiety or worry, he’s not sure which, they all blend together in the end. “I’m always stressed.”   
“But is it something specific or something that happened?”   
Jinho already recognises the tone in his voice, an invitation to be comforted. He sighs and sits up so he’s sitting in Hongseok’s lap, head leaning against the base of his neck. His hand reaches out for Hongseok’s free one. “Wooseok is avoiding Yanan because Yanan wants a cybernetic and Yanan is upset Wooseok is avoiding him.” He pauses for a breath before continuing. “And Wooseok keeps getting angry after therapy, and he’s more angry anyway because that’s how he’s dealing with the situation but he’s starting to take it out on Yanan or getting into fights at school and just avoiding everyone.” He lets out a massive sigh and squeezes Hongseok’s hand. “I don’t know what to do.”   
Hongseok’s hand moves from his hair to gently hold Jinho’s waist, pulling him closer and Jinho basks in his warmth. “Yanan asked me about cybernetics when he was over, he said he has dyslexia and it’s for learning support.”   
Suddenly it all clicks, Yanan’s anxiety about tests and essays, how much he tries and doesn’t get good grades, how much he struggles with homework even down to reading the manuscript. He can’t help but feel hurt that Yanan trusted Hongseok over him with it. “He told you?”  
Hongseok senses his discomfort, the hand on his waist slips under his shirt and traces gentle shapes across his skin. “He trusts you, I think he asked me because I have experience with it.”   
Jinho nods numbly, he regrets being so harsh with Yanan now. “Do you think it would help Wooseok if I explained that? I need to talk to him about his attitude anyway.”   
Hongseok nods and falls quiet.   
“Is there anything you want to say, or is stressing you?” Jinho mumbles and Hongseok shrugs.   
“Not that I can think of, why?”  
Jinho shakes his head, “Just wanting to return the favour. You should lean on me as much as I lean on you, it makes everything fair.”   
Hongseok nods thoughtfully, “Hyunggu and I went on a date.”   
Jinho wants to say something but he keeps quiet, keeps the silence for Hongseok to expand if he wishes.   
“We talked some things through, there were a lot of misunderstandings between us so we cleared those too.”  
“That’s good,” Jinho adds, Hongseok’s gaze avoids his and he guesses it’s not easy for Hongseok to open up about things.   
“He said, maybe some space between us would be good just so he can focus on his health and school.”  
“But is that what you want?” Jinho asks, knowing how selfless Hongseok can be.   
Hongseok hesitates and chews on his lip. “I agree, I’m worried he could get insecure or jealous with Huitaek and you as well, I just can’t tell if I still like him or I’m just worried about him.”   
“Then it sounds like it’s a good idea, and you’ll be able to sort out your feelings-”  
“I’m just worried I’ll disappoint him if he wants to date later and I don’t like him,” Hongseok interrupts.   
Jinho leans against his shoulder and squeezes his hand once more, “I’m sure however it turns out he’ll understand. Don’t stress about things in the future, you got to sort things out with him and that’s really good.”   
Hongseok nods and lets out a big sigh. “I’m glad we’ve sorted it.”


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions of a fight  
> talking about anger issuess/ therapy

Monday 

The only sound in the car is the quiet hum of the engine as the three of them ride in silence. Jinho notices how Hongseok throws occasional worried glances at Wooseok sitting in the backseat. The boy is still glowering at the streets through the window and Jinho picks at his nails nervously, lost at what to say about the situation. He knows something has to be done.   
The car pulls into the car park and Hongseok kills the engine. Jinho sees Wooseok unbuckling his seat belt.   
“Hongseok could you leave us here for a moment, we need to talk,” he asks and Wooseok stills at his words. Hongseok glances at him before nodding and walking away from the car.   
The silence between them is deafening.   
Jinho turns in his seat to look at Wooseok but his gaze avoids Jinho’s. “What happened?” his voice is quiet yet firm, he’s worried he’s dealing with this the wrong way but he can’t let it carry on. “I’m not going to ask again.”   
“She said something mean,” Wooseok mumbles, if it wasn’t for the silence Jinho would’ve missed it.   
“What did she say?”  
“She said I looked like a freak with my eye.”  
“So you punched her?!” Jinho can’t help but raise his voice slightly. He pauses and takes a breath to calm himself. “Wooseok you can’t just go around punching people for a comment, if you’re getting bullied you tell the staff-”  
“That’s what Hyunggu does,” he argues  
“Hyunggu is going to therapy to unlearn unhealthy coping mechanisms, and he never strikes first.”   
Wooseok stops answering back, he stares at the back of Jinho’s seat and fiddles with the zip on his hoodie.   
“Wooseok please, tell me what’s going on, why are you acting like this?”   
Wooseok shrugs, refusing to look at him and Jinho sighs. “Do you want to stop the therapy?”  
“What?” this time Wooseok looks directly at him. “Why?”  
“You started acting like this after your first session, you don’t have to do it you can stop anytime-”  
“No, it-”  
“You can change your therapist?”  
“It works. I want to do it,” Wooseok decides and Jinho can hear he’s being honest.   
“Then why are you acting like this?”  
Wooseok shrugs again, his eye tears up and he blinks it away. “I just feel so, angry. All the time, I can’t control it. I know it’s stupid things to get angry over but- I don’t know.”   
“It’s gotten worse from what Yanan said right?” Jinho pushes and Wooseok nods, sniffling quietly. “Yanan has dyslexia, he wants it for learning support so he can do better at school. Just because you had a bad experience with yours doesn’t mean he will. I can understand you’re worried but we will find someone or a company we trust and we’ll take care of him after.”   
Wooseok nods in understanding, still sniffling and Jinho pretends to ignore the few stray tears. “It’s ok to have emotions about things, especially past bad experiences. But you can’t take it out on others.”   
“I’m sorry,” Wooseok sniffles again. Jinho hesitates for a moment, not sure what to do before he opens his door and walks to Wooseok’s .   
“Come here,” he mumbles, opening his arms and Wooseok instantly falls into his embrace.   
“I’m really sorry,” he says, his voice is muffled by Jinho’s sweater.   
“It’s okay, we love you but we can’t help you when you push us away.”   
Wooseok nods and gently pushes away from Jinho, “How do I fix this?”  
“Apologise to Yanan first, you’ve really hurt him-”  
“I didn’t mean to-”  
“I know, but you still did and that’s why you need to talk to him,” Jinho says, cupping his cheek and wiping away a tear with his thumb. “He’s learnt some really good ways to calm himself down, maybe you could ask him about that?”  
Wooseok nods, “I’m gonna ask about dealing with the anger on Saturday.”   
“That’s a good idea,” Jinho closes the car door and locks it, “Shall we go home?”   
Wooseok nods and grabs Jinho’s hand as they leave the car park.


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hurt comfort  
> mentions of a fight  
> broken bone but not descrition

Tuesday  
Shinwon walks into the kitchen quietly and sets the empty plate on the counter. It’s quiet apart from the evening news on the television but he can tell Huitaek isn’t watching it. He glances at the older boy, something feels wrong in his body language but he can’t place it. “Thank you for the meal Hyung,” Shinwon says, his voice sounds defeaning against the silence. He waits for Huitaek to react, his eyes stare dully at the sink as it fills with water.  
He finally takes a loud breath, “You’re welcome, was it okay?” his voice is devoid of emotion and he’s desperately avoiding Shinwon’s gaze.  
Shinwon nods, “It was good, you’re really getting good at cooking.”  
Huitaek continues staring blankly at the sink, it’s as if he can’t even hear Shinwon, he glances at his hands and Huitaek noticies them shaking.  
“Hyung-”  
“It’s nothing. I’m fine,” he cuts Shinwon off, turning off the tap and wiping his hands on a towel. It doesn’t work on Shinwon, he continues to pester Huitaek, following him around the kitchen. “I told you I’m fine,” Huitaek repeats and Shinwon pulls him by the shoulders to face him. The man’s eyes are watering and he’s biting his lip to hold in silent cries. He shakes in Shinwon’s hold. “I-”  
“Just breathe. It’s okay,” he mumbles comfortingly and pulls Huitaek closer, thankfully he doesn’t protest and hiccups against Shinwon’s shirt. He hates how much Huitaek is trembling, how he’s struggling to keep his breathing regular but he keeps holding onto him. “It’s okay, we’ve got you.” He notices Hyunggu leaning against the wall, his gaze concerned as he observes the scene.  
He mouths a vague, ‘Is he okay?’ at Shinwon and he can only shake his head in response. A few moments pass before Hyunggu disappears silently down the corridor. 

Wednesday 

The clamour of the school cafeteria echoes down the hallway as Shinwon sits on the singular bed in the nurse’s office. His feet swing with the weight of his shoes and he starts to count the tiles on the wall, anything to distract himself from the pain and the anxiety. Thoughts wander through his mind like clouds drifting across a summer sky. He finds himself thinking about what their reactions will be. Anxiety builds in his chest as a wave of nausea and he scrambles to remember what number tile he was on. He starts again.  
There’s a knock on the door and his counting is interrupted.  
“Ko Shinwon? I’ll take you to reception, your emergency contact is here,” the receptionist announces and he slides silently off the bed, clutching the ice pack to his hand. It throbs painfully with every movement. Every step feels like a jolt of electricity through him and he struggles to breath deeply as he recognises the change in carpet as they get closer to the reception. He refuses to raise his gaze.  
He can feel their eyes on him, he stares at their shoes instead. He wonders what parental thing Jinho is going to say in the car.  
“Could you please sign out, Shinwon?”  
He risks a quiet glance at the receptionist, she’s not even looking at him. Her glasses are starting to slide off her nose and she chews loudly on some gum.  
“I-I can’t,” he mumbles and lifts his hand, wrapped in the ice pack so she can see.  
“Oh,” she says, her voice full of boredom and his disappointment resides in his chest like a small hole. She scratches something illegible onto the clipboard. “You’re free to go.”  
He follows the two pairs of shoes into the carpark and then into Hongseok’s car.  
“Do you need me to do your seatbelt?” Shiwnwon recognises Huitaek’s voice as it breaks the silence. He glances up into the mirror and his gaze meets Huitaek’s.  
“I- uh, no. I think-” He struggles with one hand but eventually it gives a satisfying click, “I can do it.”  
The hole of disappointment in his chest disappears and is replaced with a warm, light feeling he’s rarely felt. It’s a surprise that Huitaek came to pick him up, but he’s glad. It makes him feel cared for.  
The engine starts as a soft rumble and the car pulls out into the street. “Now, don’t think we are going to ignore this. Do you want to talk about it now or later?”  
Shinwon takes a deep breath, trying to settle the adrenaline that rushes through his veins like burning ice. “I punched a bully.”  
Hongseok glances at him once through the mirror, then twice, then, “You what?!” before glancing at him a final time. He focuses on the road once more but his expression has changed to a mixture of disbelief and disapproval.  
“Shinwon, I am proud of you-”  
“No! Don’t encourage him,” Hongseok cuts Huitaek off.  
“He stood up to his bully, he defended himself for the first time. This will do wonders for his confidence!” Huitaek argues back and Shinwon can’t help but giggle quietly, all fears and anxieties disappearing.  
“Shinwon, this is very serious and we are very disappointed with you.” Hongseok tries to say with a serious voice but he’s struggling to keep the smile off his face.  
“I thought you were going to be mad at me,” he mumbles in relief.  
“Shinwon we are disappointed with your behaviour,” Hongseok tries to continue but he stops when Huitaek playfully hits his shoulder.  
He glances at Shinwon through the mirror, “Do you want to go to McDonalds or Burger king.” Hongseok throws him another glance and Shinwon laughs at it.  
“McDonalds, but can we go to the hospital after? I think I broke my hand…”


	41. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> breif mentions of surgery aftercare  
> descriptions of past events about illegal/forced drug dealing  
> loss of family (again past events)   
> implied non consensual cybernetic/scarring   
> just opening up about past trauma basically

A month later

Jinho brushes back Yanan’s hair as he leans back against the pillow, his brows furrowed from slight frustration and pain. “It’ll kick in soon don’t worry.” Yanan grimaces at the thought. “Try and get some rest, text if you need me.”   
“Thank you Hyung,” Yanan whispers as Jinho stands to leave, he glances once more at the boy before turning out the light and walking back to the kitchen.   
“How is he?” Huitaek asks, focused on cutting the vegetables for the soup. Jinho gazes over his work, corrects the angle of the knife and scoops the tiny pieces into the pot.   
“He’s in some pain, I’ve given him some of the meds and he’s got immunosuppressants for a few months. But the cybernetic is small enough that it’ll heal quite quick.”   
Huitaek nods, “That’s good. How was he after the procedure?”   
“Surprisingly calm, I think it’s to do with the drugs though.” He wipes some spilled water from the counter and stands next to Huitaek, wrapping his arms around the man’s waist as he watches him cut the last vegetables. “Well done,” he murmurs when Huitaek scraps the last few into the pot.   
“Can I get a kiss?”  
Jinho giggles, “What for?”  
“For doing an amazing job with the vegetables,” Huitaek defends himself in mock hurt.   
Jinho presses a quick kiss to his cheek. “There.”   
Huitaek is about to say something else but the front door is slammed loudly enough to make Jinho flinch, the way Changgu calls his name has adrenaline flooding through his veins. “Changgu what’s wrong?” he begins as he moves to the corridor, Huitaek following him. Changgu is instantly removing his jacket and bag, his face pale and his eyes wide from fear. “I saw Henry.”   
The simple statement is enough to make Jinho’s blood run cold and he rushes to lock the door and move a chair under the handle, jamming it shut in case someone tries to open it. “Are you sure it was him? Absolutely sure?”   
Changgu nods desperately, hands gripping onto Jinho’s arms and he swallows and takes a deep breath.   
“Were you followed?” he demands and Changgu pauses to think, his eyes searching Jinho’s for answers he didn’t have. He gasps, struggling to breathe through the panic.   
“No-no I wasn’t. I don’t think I was. There was no one else in the block.”   
Jinho nods and glances at Huitaek, his face a mix of confusion and anxiety. He runs to the kitchen, peering through the blinds to check the streets.   
“Jinho, what’s going on?” Huitaek finally asks and Jinho glances at Changgu then back at the window, not sure whether he should say. Changgu makes the decision for him, his breathing so harsh and panicked he bites back the answer.   
“Changgu, listen to me. Just breathe,” he says, holding eye contact with the man as he wraps his arms around him and slowly lowers him to the floor. “Just breathe, it’s okay.” Changgu nods, leaning against him and struggling with keeping his breathing regular. Tears fall down his face as Jinho only pulls him closer. It doesn’t take long for him to calm down, but the tears don’t stop.   
“I’m sorry, I got triggered,” Changgu mumbles and Jinho shushes him. Huitaek places a glass of water on the floor next to them.   
“Is there anything else I can do?” he asks and both Jinho and Changgu shake their head.   
“Hyung, we should tell them about it,” Changgu says quietly and Jinho gazes at him for a long time before confirming.   
“Are you sure?”  
Changgu nods and Jinho glances at Huitaek nervously. “Do you want to tell him now?”   
Changgu shrugs, “Might as well. Can you say though?”   
Jinho takes a deep breath and nods, Huitaek gets the hint and he sits on the floor opposite them. He meets Jinho’s gaze and Jinho looks away. He knows his past isn’t anything to be ashamed of but he can’t help feeling anxious.   
“Three years ago Changgu and I were released from an illegal business we got forced into. Changgu lost his family and house due to a fire and they assumed he was dead so none of his accounts and documents were accessible. I was orphaned and grew out of the system, I got involved with the wrong crowd and it led to that.” He sighs and feels Changgu’s hand intertwine with his. it feels like there’s a huge weight on his shoulders and he struggles to breath. He risks a glance at Huitaek’s expresion, it’s free of judgement and full of both worry and understanding.   
Jinho continues, “The illegal business was carrying drugs over the border.” The words feel heavy leaving his mouth but his chest begins to feel lighter. “We looked younger than our ages and could pass as siblings, in return we got food, shelter and some money. I did it for a year alone until I met Changgu.”   
Changgu has stopped crying and leans against him in silence, the setting sun fills the kitchen with its warm red rays. It reminds Jinho of the colour of blood, or danger but it’s strangely calming. He glances at Huitaek, who sits in the path of its fiery orange rays. His skin looks golden as the sun shines on him, his deep brown eyes reflecting it’s light and Jinho can just about see light brown specks in his irises. Changgu squeezes his hand, a sign to carry on.   
“They let us go because we looked too old, we had enough money to rent out the apartment for a year until we met Yanan.”  
Finally he looked at Huitaek, the story all laid out.   
Changgu moves from his grasp and stands up, stretching for a moment. “I’m going to wash up then check on Yanan.” He glances at the clock on the wall. “I think it’s safe, it’s been long enough and no one’s appeared.”   
“Was Henry...” Huitaek starts, not sure how to word it.   
“Henry was another kid who worked like us, yes,” Jinho confirms and Huitaek nods.   
He stands as Changgu leaves the room and Huitaek grabs his wrist, his eyes still wide from disbelief and worry from the story. “Jinho, I’m sorry you had to go through that.”  
“Huitaek it’s fine-”  
“Can I hug you?” he asks and Jinho can’t help but smile faintly at the question, he replies by moving forward into Huitaek’s embrace. The way Huitaek holds him close, protectively and almost as if he’s afraid to lose Jinho brings tears to his eyes but he blinks them away. 

“There is, actually something else, I-” he starts as they pull away and Huitaek refuses to let go of his hand. Jinho looks away anyway. “They forced me to have a cybernetic, to detect security things...for...yeah. They took it out when I stopped, but. It’s left a big scar...” he struggles to say it, his voice barely above a whisper and he feels Huitaek cup his cheek. He breathes deeply, the burden on his shoulders finally beginning to lift. He was sure Yanan had noticed the scar but he had never asked or brought it up. 

“Can I see it?” Huitaek askes quietly, “It’s okay if no,” he hurries to add but Jinho nods. He turns so his back is facing Huitaek and pulls the collar of his T-shirt down slightly. He feels Huitaek’s fingers drift across his skin, his touch so gentle it’s almost feather like. His touch is gone and is replaced with his warm breath as he presses a soft kiss along Jinho’s scar. “I love you, none of this will change that,” he mutters and jinho turns to face him again, hugging him tightly as tears slowly begin to fall.


End file.
